Author: Angel Beldam

I am a new fan of the Wynonna Earp series or should I say a recent convert to the Earper Fandom.

Last night I had the privilege of attending a fundraiser for a documentary that is being filmed about the “human condition and our ability to find as well as create a found family. It is about the crucial importance of representation and inclusion in our media.” https://earperfilm.com/

We were treated to a six-minute clip of the film, and I teared up at the power of it. I was not the only one with tears either. I can’t wait to see the completed film.

There was also a silent auction and drag bingo, my first ever drag bingo. Lala Queen was amazing. https://linktr.ee/Lalashearz

She asked how many people in the audience were straight and then told the few with hands up that it was ok, they were welcome and that it was a safe space. It made me smile. I wonder how it made them feel.

I actually won one of the bingo games, but so did four others and I was supposed to participate in a dance off, but I was saved from humiliation by being outbid in the auction. Instead of dancing for a prize of beer I would never drink anyway, I was in a bidding war for some original drawings of Wynonna, Waverly, and Nicole.

I am happy to say I won the war!

So now I and my two found family members, who graciously invited me to the event and into the fandom, are each now the proud owners of that awesome artwork. Merry Christmas you two and thanks for including me in this amazing new world!

I’ve recently been listening to the music of Brandi Carlile. I had never heard of her before I came out, but when I started hanging out with other lesbians, especially the younger ones, I heard her name a lot.

I didn’t really pay attention because I was learning about the Indigo Girls and Ani DiFranco and others who were closer to my age. I enjoyed their music, but I didn’t really connect with it.

I used to spend a great deal of time immersed in music. Being married to a musician you can’t help but be. After the divorce I lost connection to music. That was over a decade ago, a long time to be separated from the power of music. I especially avoided live music, mostly due to fear I’d encounter my ex who was playing in local venues.

Fast forward to this past year. After the breakup with my first long term girlfriend, I went to a meetup at a local bar to hang out at other lesbians and meet new friends. The band that was playing was Dear Marsha and I was hooked. Not only did I make new friends at Dear Marsha shows, but I remembered how much I missed music.

(https://dearmarsha.rocks/?fbclid=IwAR2KGKfHwnxE5znIkFM3qozFMn7rgEhaIzjFaP-JB5_1PEjP3u007CRPpys)

Which brings me back to Brandi, who is my current lady friend’s favorite artist. She sends me links and clips and has even set up a playlist for us. I listen to music quite a bit now and not just because I have a new lady friend. I really did miss it.

I’m very grateful for having music back in my life.

Be well my friends.

Etymology, or the origin of words, is a fascinating topic for me. Did you know “nice” is derived from the Latin nescius meaning “unaware, ignorant”? Over centuries it evolved and by the 15th century it meant “refined, culture” especially in polite society.

There’s another interesting word, polite. Most women were brought up to be nice and polite, meaning don’t take up space, don’t make waves, to behave ourselves. It’s still happening of course and the damage it does can be severe, but slowly we are making progress.

The quote “well-behaved women seldom make history” has been misattributed to many amazing women over the years, though according to google it was actually said by Harvard professor Laurel Thatcher Ulrich in the 1970s. Since this is not a research paper I didn’t do too much to verify if this is actually true, but PBS says so, which is good enough for me. Kudos to Professor Ulrich.

Let’s circle back to the word nice. When someone says “Have a nice day” to you now days you have to really listen to how it’s said to know if you’re being told to f### off or if it’s sincere. All over social media, especially on TikTok, I’ve noticed women and queer folx telling haters on their pages to “have the day you deserve”.

I find this delightful. Nothing like being so proper and polite as to make awful people feel uncomfortable. Killing them with kindness. The southern woman perfected this years ago with “Bless your heart”. I love me some Julie Sugarbaker!

Then there’s the word ‘fine’. Everybody knows that if any of the women in your life say “I’m fine” you are in so much trouble and good luck finding out what you did. My new lady friend says “I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything is fine.” all the time and it cracks me up. It has become a running joke.

My friends take up space, don’t be nice, and have a great day!

“Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is. “ – Mark Groves

I have no idea who this person is, but this quote really spoke to me. For years I had walls around walls, around walls, with other walls I didn’t even realize were there.

The first of these walls went up when I was five years old. I didn’t stop building them until I was in my forties. Forty years of walls takes a lot of dismantling. Years and years of therapy I’ve been doing trying to break them down.

Some fell without much effort because merely acknowledging their presence was sufficient and they weren’t needed. Others have required chipping away brick by brick with so much effort and so many tears just to get an opening big enough to let light though.

Most of the more solid walls have doors now that those closest to me are allowed and know how to open. I wish we didn’t live in a world that required walls. I wish I could be that person where the door is always open or at least unlocked.

But we don’t and I’m not.

Most people who come near won’t even bother to look for the door and I’m okay with that. I’d like to think that whoever bothered to find the door and knock, that I would at least open the door to say hi. I admit I’m still wary though. Some I’ve let in recently have done quite a bit of damage in the short time they were inside.

If I let you in, please be kind. If I give you a key, know that I trust you immensely. Few people have the keys to any of my doors.

I’m still looking for the person who is brave enough, who is capable of helping me widen that opening in my final wall big enough to let them in. I am hopeful though.

I am grateful to all of you who are still knocking on my door or are lovingly and gently using their key.

Be well my friends.

I am a big sports fan though not at the insane level I used to be. I prefer women’s soccer and I don’t usually follow the men until they are playing in the Olympics or at the World Cup.  The USMNT is very young and their win yesterday was something to celebrate as evidenced by the fireworks being set off in towns all over Iran. No that is not a typo. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, shame on you. Ok that’s harsh but hear me out.

This World Cup has been fraught with so much controversy and international political chaos. First, the World Cup should never have been given to Qatar given their stance on human rights, particularly LGBTQ. The fierce attempts at suppression of the protests of fans and players are arguably not very successful.

Second, the match between Iran and the US was so much more than just a game. The Iranian players refused to sing their own national anthem at their first game. Due to threats by their own government to their families back home, they were at least mouthing the words for the US game. I have no idea what will happen to these brave players when they return to their homes, but I deeply respect them.

If you don’t know who Mahsa Amini is, please find out. There are so many things about our political system that feels broken and it certainly isn’t perfect, but I fully appreciate the privilege I have living here.

Be well my friends.

I heard from an old friend yesterday and we chatted a bit about small acts of defiance. I started really thinking about it and realized that my very existence is an act of defiance against the patriarchy, though only parts of me are obviously so at first glance.

Being fat and a woman with gray hair is where it starts. How dare I be taking up space in the world instead of hiding that I’m not thin or young?

I am a Latina though I pass as white and not just because I’m light skinned but because I was raised that way and I cultivated it as a means to fit in. I am deeply saddened that my mother was coerced into assimilating when she came to this country. Neither my brother nor I know much about our Chilean heritage, though I have started to learn about it.

I am no longer a Christian, though as the daughter of a minister and granddaughter of missionaries I can talk the talk and I know how to answer WWJD? As a practicing Buddhist I live more authentically like he would then most of the conservative Christians I see and hear.

I vote blue. I dabble in witchcraft with my tarot cards and interest in astrology. I’m good at math. And of course, I am queer.

Living my best life is my biggest act of defiance. Writing about it every day is my second.

Take up space, live your best authentic life. Be well my friends.

I spent the majority of my day yesterday with some of the most amazing people I know. All of them queer AF and gathering in public spaces despite very real fear.

I had loved ones who worried about me being out there and I know how hard it was for me to wear my rainbow Love is Love t-shirt. Many of the others I met with had their colors flying too and I’m sure it was an act of bravery for them as well.

While there were some conversations about the shooting and some disagreements about whether or not to they/them the shooter, mostly it was all about reaffirming old friendships and making new friends.

I’m really glad I went and I’m grateful to all the truly beautiful humans I was with. Thank you for being you.

Also I didn’t get her permission first, so I’ll not identify her, but a special shout out to the woman who greeted me with a demand to know the scoop behind yesterday morning’s blog post. Your words thrilled this writer’s soul. Thank you and thanks to all my friends who support this blog and me.

Live your best authentic life and be well my friends.

I woke up this morning feeling like all is right with my world. It doesn’t really matter that the outside world is a shit show. Ok that’s not true, it does matter and later today I’m going to go try and do a little to make it slightly less of one.

But right now I’m feeling positive and all aglow and I am going to revel in it before I let the outside world intrude. Yesterday I posted about finding happiness that is not influenced by external things but I’m still a work in progress because this morning my joy is definitely due to external factors, one beautiful, amazing, exceptional human being in fact.

I’m a little leery of revealing too much. It’s private and special and brand new. But I’m overflowing with positive emotions that need sharing and as I started this blog as a means to share my experiences about dating it feels a bit disingenuous to be reluctant now.

The fact is I’m a bit worried about jinxing it. After the big breakup from my first long term relationship with a woman, my forays out into the dating world haven’t been very successful, though they each started out promising.

This time it feels more solid, which is a bit bizarre considering most of our interactions have been virtual. I say most because we have been able to connect in the real world through other means.

For instance, our video dates allow me to see her beautiful face and to hear her sexy voice and laugh. We are able to organically weave our way through the stories of our lives in a way texts and messages just can’t accomplish. So even though we aren’t in the same state, some of our physical senses are engaged to process how we feel about each other.

However, as someone whose primary love language is touch a long-distance relationship would be difficult without a way to connect through that sense, so I’m thrilled that we’ve started exchanging hand-written letters via snail mail. Having a letter on paper with words she wrote just for me, to read again and again, each page a connection to her I can hold in my hands, that is more precious to me then I can truly convey.

For the record I have her permission to share all of this with you and I hope that there will be many future posts with tidbits to share. Stay tuned.

Be well my friends.

Would you rather be comfortable or happy?

This question was posed on one of my FB Groups and I can’t stop thinking about it.

To me, being comfortable implies settling and contentment. Is that enough? Can you experience true happiness if you’re comfortable?

The question also implies that you can’t be happy unless you are pushing your boundaries and taking risks.

I think this question creates a false binary.  I don’t think we have to choose. I believe both are possible.

I think true happiness comes when you experience joy and contentment regardless of your comfort level because you’ve evolved to the level where nothing external can influence whether you are happy or not.

But in order to evolve I have to feel safe enough to find out and be who I really am. Only then can I learn that my happiness is not dependent on another human or anything outside of myself.

I’m trying to live my life content with the choices I’ve made. But inevitably the universe throws out one of its many curveballs. What I used to see as an obstacle, I now choose to see as a opportunity to experience or learn something new.  

However, I can still be swayed by a compliment or an insult, can still be set back by rejection or someone else’s treatment of me, so I’m not there yet. I have come a long way from where I was but have more to grow. That means for now I’d rather be happy, so I need to learn to accept being uncomfortable.

Someday though I have confidence I will have both.

I hope that for you too. Be well my friends.  

Yesterday I had the pleasure of being with many of my found family members. The parents of one of my friends were with us and we were treating them to a “traditional” feast, which they had never experienced.

Another one of my friends was the primary chef. It was their first time prepping a meal that big all by themselves and they wanted it to be perfect. So naturally Murphy, being the pest that he is, came to haunt us with his mayhem, which led to a discussion about what a traditional holiday family dinner looks like.

We came up with the following list:

1) Football – both American football and World Cup soccer games were showing on two TVs – Check

2) Politics – a divisive disagreement about pumpkin spice – Check

3) A ruined dish – an exploding Pyrex bowl in the oven destroying three complete dishes – Check

4) “The whole day is ruined” – ruined dishes included a cranberry dish and a sweet potato dish so nobody got to eat either this year – Check

5) Tears – the chef had a minor melt-down which was treated with alcohol and hugs – Check

6) Multiple minor injuries – some burns and cuts received cleaning the exploded/ruined food, one idiot who missed a step and face planted, and some singed hair during fire baton twirling lessons – Check

7) Fire – see #6 – fortunately 911 was not required – Check

8) Beautiful newly-in-love couple who can’t stop kissing – Check

9) Everyone complaining they ate way too much food – Check

10) Love and laughter despite all the above – Check.

All in all a very successful traditional family holiday dinner.