Author: Angel Beldam

Quote

“Humans still have a tendency to think that good is always pretty and that evil is always ugly. I’ve found that it’s so often the other way around.” – Laurell K. Hamilton

Weekly Tarot Reading

“What does the week hold for me and where should I put my focus?”

Card Pulled: Reversed Justice

Guess I’ll start either the library audiobook “Hood Feminism” by Mikki Kendall or the paper back that just arrived “White Women” by Regina Jackson and Saira Rao

Fangirling

The GCLS Conference schedule came out this week. I can’t believe I will be attending and sitting in the same rooms as some of my favorite authors! Detective Kate Delafield author Katherine V. Forrest will be there serving on a panel called “Who Done It Better? Cozies v Procedurals”. A whole hour listening to a debate on lesbian murder mysteries by the authors themselves. It doesn’t get any better than that!

Newsletter I recently subscribed to:

https://showmeyourmask.substack.com/

The author is an Indigenous creator I discovered on TikTok. I don’t know nearly enough about the topics they discuss. I’m looking forward to learning.

Things that make you go hmm:

So the LA Dodgers made news awhile back when they rescinded an invite to The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence (drag performers) to a Pride Night at the ballpark due to backlash from Catholics. They have since apologized and The Sisters are back. However, today a headline that I just received reads: Dodgers announce, “Christian Faith and Family Day”. Really?

My First Goodbye

I had my last appointment with my massage therapist on Friday. Great massage as usual. Hugs and sad goodbye.

I’m the Cat

One final observation: Cherry Chapstick makes life better.

Have a great week my friends.

I’ve talked about my love of poetry before so I’m going to start posting poetry on Saturdays. Sometimes it’ll be mine like today, and others will be those I encounter that move me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Crave You

Too many miles between us –

might as well be a galaxy.

Too many hours till I see you –

might as well be a century.

My heartstrings are too taut.

They will not break if I can just

make time move faster.

So I fill my days with busyness,

but the longing does not fade and as

I lay my head on my pillow, exhausted,

I crave you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I always welcome feedback on my art. Please be kind.

With the approaching holiday I’d like to bring up something that I and many other veterans struggle with each year.

Memorial Day is not the day to thank me or any veteran for their service.

Memorial Day is for those who died while serving their country, not those still alive.

We have our own day for that, Veterans Day.  Not that we don’t appreciate being thanked. We do. Many vets, however, get frustrated that so many people have forgotten or never learned the true meaning of Memorial Day.

I have a complicated relationship with the Military Industrial Complex, and I totally understand and respect those who are working to tear it down and dismantle it. But in the hatred and rhetoric of protests, the very real humans who served in uniform, either voluntarily or were drafted and who lost their lives, often get forgotten.

For many who served, it was the only way to escape poverty or abuse. It was the only way to have a shot at a better life for themselves and their families. So even if you disagree with the politics of our war machine please don’t disrespect those who died in service to the ideals of this country.

You don’t have to go to the parade or visit the cemetery or do anything actively to show respect. Just don’t spew hatred or disrespect on social media. That is not too much to ask right?

A moment of silence and/or a toast during your BBQ wouldn’t go amiss either.

And FFS don’t say “Happy Memorial Day”.

“Wishing you a beautiful or meaningful or blessed Memorial Day” is better.

As for me I say: To all my fallen comrades, I remember you and your sacrifice.

There are hundreds, maybe thousands, of tributes all over the news and social media about the life of this amazing artist and woman. I grew up listening to and loving her music and her story of survival and success are inspiring.

That we have anything at all in common is wild to me, but I do get to claim more than humanity and being a woman. She and I practiced Nichiren Buddhism.

If you know anything about her story, you know that she credits her faith for being able to leave Ike. She said it saved her life. I didn’t have an Ike, but I did escape a life that was killing me even though I didn’t recognize it as such at the time.

Through my Buddhist practice I discovered me and while I’m not the most faithful practitioner, I continue to learn and try to internalize many tenets of Buddhism.

–We, each of us, are already a Buddha so we must treat ourselves and each with respect and dignity.

–We are all connected through the power and energy that flows through the universe so what we do to one we do to all.

–Since we are all connected through the universe, we can tap into that power to change ourselves for the better.

–When we change, those around us are impacted by this change and this ripples through the universe one being at a time.

Tina Turner touched so many people’s lives through her music and her life and she will be missed. Maybe in our next life I’ll be fortunate enough to meet the bodhisattva she will be.

As the date for what likely will be my move date rapidly approaches I find myself wishing that everything will be easy and go smoothly. I have so many things to do to get ready that I do not want any drama in my life.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like a teenager again since coming out. Sometimes it is in the fun, I’m a horny 14-year-old boy who has discovered boobs, kind of way. But sometimes it’s in the, one of my friends doesn’t like what another one of my friends has done and I accidentally do something to upset that one because I wasn’t aware there was a problem, kind of way.

A TikTok creator I follow hates the term baby gay and prefers feral fruit. This ties into the boobs aspect I was referring to. But she is ignoring the other aspects of coming out late in life and one of those is learning to live in a community of women who handle their emotions differently than men. Or maybe she’s not. Maybe it’s just me.

Regardless I find myself in the position of having to figure out how to “fix” an issue I inadvertently created when I have so much already to do and no leftover energy to do it.

I’m already struggling with the grief of losing immediate access and close proximity to this group of amazing humans. Why can’t they just get along until I leave and then they can fall apart because they didn’t know I was the glue holding them together?

Okay that last bit is ridiculous, but my stress has me feeling like a little hyperbole is warranted.

I want nothing more than to pretend this is not a thing and get on with my ten page to do list that I fear is missing many important things. However, I love and respect this person who is upset so that won’t work and besides that is not the person I am. I used to be, but not anymore.

Time for some meditation and maybe the Universe will reveal a solution. Might be I need to do a tarot reading too. Hopefully, something will come to me.

Please be kind to each other my friends.

Yesterday I took my mother grocery shopping. She did not want to do delivery anymore and I hate grocery shopping, so she wanted to go wander up and down the aisles by herself. She said I could just drop her off and come back and get her but not even I am that bad of a daughter.

So we compromised I would sit at the front of the store in the Starbucks where I’d be close by if she needed help because she overestimated her stamina walking around in that boot while using the shopping cart as a walker.

In the hour I sat drinking tea in that Starbucks while I waited for mom to assert her stubbornness, I mean independence, I heard three different distinct languages that weren’t English. It’s been awhile since that has happened to me in a place other than the airport.

I was “officially” working on a writing project, but I had a great vantage point for observation, so that is what I mostly did. Keeping an eye on my phone in case mom texted or called for help, I continued to listen and watch people.

I love people watching–I always have. I often wonder what people’s stories are and sometimes make up stories for them. Some of the stories are fantastical and impossibly unlikely but mostly I try to choose a story that fits what I’m seeing. (I read somewhere that good writers are people watchers because that is the best way to create realistic characters…so maybe someday.)

During that hour I saw a beautiful spectrum of cultures and ethnicities. Who knew that by avoiding the grocery store whenever possible that I was missing out on such a grand opportunity to observe the amazing differences in our shared humanity?

I live in one of the most diverse cities in Colorado. And while that can lead to violence and crime sometimes, it also encompasses hope and acceptance. It requires people to confront and acknowledge the vast amount of variance in humanity and only the most stubborn and obscene refuse to do so.

I will miss living here and I have some trepidation about how homogenized my new home currently is. Maybe that is why the Universe has opened up this door for me. Not only for my happiness on a personal level but as a way to help bring love, acceptance, and tolerance to a place that needs a bit more of that right now.

I’ll have to ponder that some more. In the meantime, be well my friends.

Nature can be so very beautiful and awe inspiring. It can also be gross. I watched as a bird landed on the screen of my window and snatched the moth that was resting there. The bird flew over to the tree and gave the moth to its mate who then proceeded to eat it. I was fascinated and completely grossed out.

To Do Lists

My latest set of to do lists is now 10 pages long. That may sound daunting, but it was so much more overwhelming when it was all floating around in my head. Now it feels manageable-mostly.

Books on my Libby Shelf

“The Jasmine Throne” by Tasha Suri — 6% complete

“Treacherous is the Night” by Anna Lee Huber – 52%

“Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt – 58%

“Hood Feminism” by Mikki Kendall — just download

Song

“She Keeps Me Warm” by Mary Lambert

Poem

“For Her” by Teddy (Christina Tedesco)

Photo

Taken by Mel Rapp

I’m a little bleary eyed this morning and off to a very slow start. I stayed up late last night watching the Phoenix Mercury’s first game of the season. Sadly they lost but it was an amazing game anyway.

Since we don’t have a WNBA team here I don’t usually follow women’s basketball except during March or the Olympics. But last year I became a Phoenix Mercury fan when I began following the news about Brittney Griner.

I can’t really imagine what it must have been like for her or her wife and family. Rebecca Lobo, one of last night’s commentators, described some of the challenges BG had to go through to get her mind and body into shape to be ready for this season. It sounded grueling.

BG expressed her profound gratitude for the extraordinary support she has received from her team and community. It seemed obvious to me that she isn’t quite comfortable with all the attention, but fully aware of the importance of her words and deeds.

It was beautiful to watch her on the court and listen to the fans cheer her on despite the fact that it wasn’t even her home crowd. It’s inspiring to see that people are actually capable of being kind and supportive of those who are technically the “enemy”.

It’s one of the most amazing things about sports and one of the reasons I love it so much. I look forward to watching as many of her games as I can and I’m hoping the WBNA sees fit to bring a team here.

Welcome back, BG!

My mother and I had a lengthy conversation about racism last night.

I said that all white people are racists, and it will take generations of conscious, active, hard work to even begin to eradicate it. She gave me her doubtful disapproving face because her experience belies that somewhat.

She does not see herself as white and has been on the receiving end of bigotry quite often. I told her though that she has spent my lifetime (she moved to the US from Chile three months before I was born) passing as a white woman and so long as she doesn’t speak no one would know she was not. It was her accented English and the company she kept, not the color of her skin, that always othered her.

I was able to convince her by saying if she had worked in an office when I was little instead of in retail, she would never have had to worry about making sure she had her green card on her at all times. I told her that she looks more like her European ancestors than like her Mexican friends and it was only being in their presence and speaking Spanish with them that put her in danger of the INS sweeps of the 70s and 80s.

She finally agreed and said she never really thought about it like that.

We then talked about how there are so many things we do and say every day and we aren’t even aware of their origin in our racist culture. Words like master (as in master bedroom), blacklist, peanut gallery, etc. The list is really long and could never do it justice here.

There are so many things I could write about on this topic, but I only have a short amount of time each morning. Suffice it to say, I know that though I would never intentionally do or say anything racist, it will take my entire lifetime just to dig out the top layer of all that has been ingrained and indoctrinated into my being.

So what are we supposed to do? Our best, until we know better. This phrase and it’s variations are becoming almost cliché, but I hope it never loses it’s impact.

We must be better my friends.