Author: Angel Beldam

My mother is not particularly happy with me right now, or perhaps it’s that she just doesn’t understand. Honestly, I’m not sure I do either. My bedroom is a complete disaster. I look at it and I know I should want to clean it up but that’s not what I feel.

I feel comfort in the chaos. True, I can’t write in there, but that’s because the only space to work is in bed and I might fall back asleep. That’s all I seem to want to do. I know these signs. This is usually when I start to slip into depression. But this time that’s not what this is. It’s a little embarrassing. but I don’t care.

You see the chaos is the result of the mess that happens when I’m getting ready to travel coupled with the dumping of all my travel stuff when I return. I’ve only partially unpacked–just enough to get the dirty clothes out. And that only got done because my mother did the laundry and insisted I bring out my clothes.

She’s annoyed because she went into my room to put the clean and folded clothes on my unmade bed. (Yes, I acknowledge how weird it is to have my mother doing my laundry.) She also knows it bugs the crap out of me when she goes into my room, but she was cleaning the common areas and didn’t want my clothes cluttering the space.

So, I’m not going to lie, part of my reluctance to clean is rebellion, especially since she had the nerve to say last night “I thought you were going to clean your room”. She really has gotten better about not doing that but sometimes she slips.  And it is worse than it’s been in a while. She knows I don’t usually like it so messy, so I get her confusion.

But here’s the thing. The mess is about the trip I just took. If I clean it up then it’s really over and I’m not ready to let go of all those amazing feelings surrounding my trip to Tennessee. You see I left a part of me there. And I m missing her very much and that mess is cocooning me while I’m still processing all my feels. So it’s going to stay a mess until I’m ready and mom just needs to stay on her side of the closed door.

Be well my friends.

I spent way too much time watching CNN yesterday. What made the biggest impression on me was the split screen coverage of two very different but intertwined events.

On one side was the President giving medals to the heroes of the Jan 6, 2021, insurrection and those election officials who withstood enormous pressure and threats of violence to preserve our democracy back in 2020.

On the other side of the screen was many of those who advocated and instigated much of that violence and pressure and are now supposed to be in charge of the House of Representatives. In reality we were watching an actual manifestation of reap what you sow.

I have no love for the GOP or Kevin McCarthy, but I kind of felt sorry for the guy. His ability to remain stoic after 13 consecutive humiliating defeats was kind of impressive. That 14^th loss though–he kind of lost his shit, and he wasn’t the only one.  Some guy had to be physically restrained. Thought it was going to break out into a WWE deathmatch.

Mr. McCarthy has only himself to blame though. What’s that expression? Lie with the dogs, wake up with fleas.

And don’t get me started on Lauren Boebert, who obviously did not learn her lesson of nearly losing her election when it should’ve been a landslide. She is doing exactly the wrong thing yet again. McCarthy and the majority of House Republicans are bad enough, but she and her posse are so much worse, despicable, deplorable, you can pick your own synonym. I’m embarrassed she’s from Colorado. Thank goodness my rep is Jason Crow.

This debacle does not bode well for the next two years. I’m grateful there’s already a budget in place through September. I wonder how many furloughs I’ll have to endure next fiscal year. It is not going to be pretty.

I have a friend who spent 2022 listening to 52 playlists of her sister’s favorite artists as a way to get to know her better. She’s doing the same thing this year with her brother.

I thought this is a great idea and I asked my girlfriend if she would create one for me to let me get to know her better.

She gets to read this blog every day so she has an advantage when it comes to getting to know me. Not that it’s a contest or anything, but I wanted some way comparable to get to know her too.

I got the playlist last night and started listening. I was enjoying the music and thinking this is nice. Then I came to one that made me stop and listen again.

I felt her through that song. Maybe I was reading too much into the lyrics, but I could feel how she must have connected with that song. It made me cry.

I decided I’m not going to devour them all in one sitting. I’m going to savor them and listen when I have nothing else going on. At least the first time through.

When I got up this morning I saw that the playlist was longer. It made me laugh because I predicted this. I’m thrilled. I’m so glad I asked and can’t wait to hear more.

If you have someone you want to get to know better, you should definitely do this. Be well my friends.

It’s not very convenient, but I don’t get upset when I get a summons. There’s the initial reaction of ugh, but unless I have something scheduled for that day it’s not really that big of a deal. I acknowledge my privilege in that I have an employer that not only has no issues with my absence but requires us to comply with the summons. I’m not losing money. I’m not having to get a babysitter or figure out transportation.

I know that our system has many and often large flaws, but I’ve lived and visited places much, much worse so I have an appreciation for our justice system. It is partially because of the flaws in our system that I think it is especially important that I serve whenever I am called.  What if I’m the only person that will ensure an innocent person does not go to prison because the others on the jury are racists or homophobic. I know this smacks of the white savior syndrome, but what if?

I consider myself a reasonable person so if there’s any doubt in my mind, I’ll acquit. I really do believe it’s better to let a guilty person go free than to send an innocent person to jail. We as a nation have done that way too often to the detriment of many black and brown folks.

Speaking of which, there were protestors outside the courthouse yesterday. They are the family and friends of a man killed in what they are calling a murder, but the defense is claiming it was an accident. The protestors are saying that because Guillermo Duran was a brown man, he’s not getting justice. I don’t know what actually happened but I would hope that my family and friends would have my back just as passionately.

Anyway my service was not needed and I was released to go back to my life. I’ve fulfilled my obligation for 2023 both relieved and a bit disappointed.

Be well my friends.

Departure

Dec 28^th – starts snowing in the afternoon and by evening there are 3 inches on the ground.  

Decide to stay awake to leave at 2 am for my 5 am flight. Car covered in 6 inches of snow. Crawl out of my neighborhood and head to the airport. The snow is lighter and there’s less of it on the ground as I get closer.

There’s a line around the corner at the Southwest counter at 3:30 am. It’s not for new passengers thank goodness. I’m sad for the thousands whose flights were canceled but mine is still going to Atlanta and on time.

Not checking my bag- the baggage scenes on the news are a nightmare.

We board only 2 minutes late hurray! Not so fast. Airport crew does not have deicer pad cleared. We’re only allowed to be on the plane 2 hours, or we have to return to gate. I hour 58 minutes and were on the runway finally!

We made up some time but still very late arriving in Atlanta.  

Lots of things happen after arrival and before returning home, some NSFW and will not be posted anywhere, for some of the other things, see yesterday’s blog.

Return

Jan 2nd – scheduled departure time of 1030 pm from Atlanta still showing on time at breakfast.

Time to leave Tennessee at T-minus 7 hours and we’re at 1/2-hour delay.

Stop for dinner and now delay is 1 hour.

Arrive at airport at T-minus 2 hours for original departure time to find out all fights out of Florida have huge delays. New departure time is 3 ½ hours later than the original.  

Plane arrives at gate 3 hours late and we’re finally headed home. So much turbulence, one of the bumpiest rides I’ve had in a long time. Storms over Kansas and typical mountain sass.

Finally on the ground and it’s 17 degrees with snow and ice on the road for that final stretch. I’m exhausted, bleary eyed, probably should not be driving, but I managed.

Reminder to self: flying while Mercury is in retrograde is a bad idea.  

I have really missed writing every day, but I needed that break to truly enjoy the holidays with those I love.

The time spent with my mom and with my found family over Solstice, Yule and Christmas was relaxing and fun.

Then I was with my new love and her family over the New Year’s weekend. I know some of you are hoping for some juicy details, but I’m still not sure how much I want to reveal. So here are some highlights.

Tennessee is beautiful; even in the depths of winter it holds its green. The small town where she lives is charming and surrounded by majestic mountains (ok they are more like hills compared to the Rockies but whatever).  The town is nestled nicely there, protected from the outside world with that beautiful buffer. It’s the kind of place you can understand why young people can’t wait to leave but the slow pace and the quiet are very appealing when you’re older.

I had my first experience with the ex who is now friend and still family. So not what I was expecting. I thought it would be awkward and that I’d feel jealous, but that didn’t happen. We had so much in common, it felt comfortable.

The nervousness around meeting the sister wasn’t too bad because we have had virtual interactions before, and I was pretty sure she already liked me. (She does yay!) Her fiancé, who I didn’t get to meet this trip, however, is not so impressed by me I think. He’s had to step up his game in the romance department since I’ve come into the picture. Hopefully he won’t hold that against me for too long.

I also had the privilege of meeting a very special little boy who is the heart of this little family. I’m looking forward to watching him grow up.

The time spent with the family was good. The time spent just the two of us was perfect, or as close to perfect as humanly possible. We did a really good job of staying in the moment so that the time didn’t just fly by and disappear. There was almost no awkwardness except maybe a little at the first hug in the airport, but even that was sweet and wonderful.

We learned more about each other, of course, and we laughed, a lot. Because we did such a good job of staying in the moment, there weren’t many tears, but they did manifest every time we let the fact of how little time we had together creep in.

Funny how the wisdom of some of Shakespeare’s words are still so true today. Parting was such sweet sorrow.

I’m glad to be back, but there is something, or rather someone, missing now. And I am so very tired. There is definitely a nap in my immediate future.

Be well my friends.

P.S. These were all the things that went right. Stay tuned for all the things that did not.

I’ve received many wonderful comments and compliments on this blog since I started writing, but this morning I received one of the best compliments ever. A fellow writer told me she loved reading my blog every day and that it reminded her of the weekly column Carrie Bradshaw wrote in Sex in the City. How cool is that?!?

It thrills me to see that at least one person every day has viewed a post, and thankfully its usually more than one. It’s a bit addictive if I’m honest. I find the challenge of trying to make sure it is interesting and relevant to be fun. It appeals to my competitive nature.

I really enjoy writing this blog every day and sharing it with those who have so graciously supported me, and it’s great for keeping the creativity flowing, which helps when I’m working on my novel or poetry.

However, writing every day is a challenge.

As Christmas is a week from today and I am totally not ready for it or for the trip I’m taking over the New Year’s weekend, I’m going to take a break from posting until after the first of the year.  

Thank you all for supporting me. I hope your holidays are healthy and happy. Be well my friends and see you next year!

I am a visual and kinetic learner. I can’t just watch something being done. I have to do it also in order to learn it. Because of this, I had to write down copious notes to do well in school where we were given mostly auditory stimulus. I learned my spelling words by writing them down over and over again.

Even now I only listen to audio books for pleasure. If I want to learn from it, I need a physical book I can touch and see. It’s really no wonder why I’ve always felt compelled to write. It’s how I process what’s happening in my world.

So it surprises me a bit to know that some of the best things in my day-to-day life right now are audio.

Every day I look to see if my girlfriend has added a song to the playlist she created for us. If there are new songs then I listen to them along with “our” song which is, naturally, the first one. It always makes me smile.

The other amazing thing is the voice message function on FB messenger. We’ve started leaving little voice messages for each other just to say hi and I’m thinking about you. When I see the audio file pop up in my app I feel a frisson of anticipation.

When you are used to being able to be in the physical presence of the person you are dating you take for granted hearing their voice. Exchanging these messages has already become an important part of our connection, especially when our busy lives make it difficult to schedule sustained conversations.

My wish for you my friends is that you will find a way to stay connected to those important to you.  Be well.

I was thinking about the term lady friend versus girlfriend. Lady friend as I recently used it implies a mature relationship, but the relationship is actually still uncertain. Lady friend also feels a little like ‘special’ friend, which has it’s own issues.

When things get serious and more intimate, the label to changes to girlfriend. Girlfriend implies that we are reduced to teenagers and when you get to a certain age “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” does feel a bit juvenile.

However, “partner” implies commitment, like living together or being married and is way too serious to use when you’ve only known each other for weeks or a couple months. On the other hand, it does allow for the elimination of the binary of gender.

So what do you use? I suppose ultimately it doesn’t really matter as long as you’re both okay with how you define your relationship.

And truth be told when I’m in the girlfriend stage, I do in fact feel like I’m 15 again. Hormones out of control, lose my grip on being an adult and my responsibilities, my mind on sex constantly, always wanting to be with the person and neglecting other friendships.

It’s odd how I thought an LDR would change that somehow. In some ways it is different because I can’t actually be with her, but I think about her all the time, to distraction sometimes. For instance, I received a past due notice for one of my bills and I haven’t gone to an in person gathering in over a week.

Not going to gatherings with lots of people has been intentional though. With the uptick in both flu and covid, I am being cautious because I don’t want to get sick before my trip. (More on that in a later blog.)

I am still in contact with my friends via text and social media and I’ve been doing a lot of writer stuff (online sprints with my writing group, editing, etc.) so I’m not completely isolating. I learned that lesson. My girlfriend deserves a fully engaged and fulfilled me and so do I.

Be well my friends.

I love sunrises even the boring ones. There’s something magical in the promise of a new start, especially in the depths of winter.

I’ve been feeling the heaviness of darkness that I always seem to experience during this time of year. Even the hope and excitement of a blossoming romance hasn’t quite been able to dispel the darkness completely. Nor should it have to. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a relationship or another person.

I’ve been learning how to reframe things, so I tell myself winter isn’t bleak and desolate, its rest in preparation for renewal.

But this time of year doesn’t feel very restful with the chaos of the holidays, which always seem to sneak up on me and I realize I’m likely not going to get cards out to my friends again this year nor is my intentions to get thoughtful gifts going to happen and they end up getting gift cards.

You would think that I’d have it figured out now that I’m in my fifties, but I haven’t got it quite yet. Thus the need for the appreciation of sunrises.

Sunrises are a reminder that light follows dark, a rainbow follows a storm, and Spring always follows Winter. The cycle of renewal. That is magic.

Be well my friends.