Chaos

My mother is not particularly happy with me right now, or perhaps it’s that she just doesn’t understand. Honestly, I’m not sure I do either. My bedroom is a complete disaster. I look at it and I know I should want to clean it up but that’s not what I feel.

I feel comfort in the chaos. True, I can’t write in there, but that’s because the only space to work is in bed and I might fall back asleep. That’s all I seem to want to do. I know these signs. This is usually when I start to slip into depression. But this time that’s not what this is. It’s a little embarrassing. but I don’t care.

You see the chaos is the result of the mess that happens when I’m getting ready to travel coupled with the dumping of all my travel stuff when I return. I’ve only partially unpacked–just enough to get the dirty clothes out. And that only got done because my mother did the laundry and insisted I bring out my clothes.

She’s annoyed because she went into my room to put the clean and folded clothes on my unmade bed. (Yes, I acknowledge how weird it is to have my mother doing my laundry.) She also knows it bugs the crap out of me when she goes into my room, but she was cleaning the common areas and didn’t want my clothes cluttering the space.

So, I’m not going to lie, part of my reluctance to clean is rebellion, especially since she had the nerve to say last night “I thought you were going to clean your room”. She really has gotten better about not doing that but sometimes she slips.  And it is worse than it’s been in a while. She knows I don’t usually like it so messy, so I get her confusion.

But here’s the thing. The mess is about the trip I just took. If I clean it up then it’s really over and I’m not ready to let go of all those amazing feelings surrounding my trip to Tennessee. You see I left a part of me there. And I m missing her very much and that mess is cocooning me while I’m still processing all my feels. So it’s going to stay a mess until I’m ready and mom just needs to stay on her side of the closed door.

Be well my friends.