Author: Angel Beldam

I ran across a discussion in one of my FB groups the other day on what makes a woman instantly unattractive to you. There were more than 170 comments on the thread.

As I read through them, I was surprised to learn how very few women said anything about size or appearance and when they did it was usually about cleanliness.

This was encouraging to me and made me realize that my concerns about dating as a fat woman are more about my own internal issues than reality.

I think this thread and the way too many videos I’ve been watching on Lesbian Tik Tok finally made me realize that lesbians as a whole are way more accepting of all body types than I originally thought.

I honestly believed that I had just gotten lucky that the women I’ve dated so far had no issues with my size. But the more I learn about this community the more I understand how truly accepting and supportive they are.

This is very different than in the hetero-normative world where many women will be even harsher than men regarding beauty standards.. I am only guessing here but I think it has something to do with the rejection of the patriarchy.

The fact that it’s taken me this long to finally get that is a bit disheartening but better late than never right? I am pretty sure there will be more posts about this topic in the future as I obviously have more work to do on my own internalized fat phobia.

I’m still learning how I fit in this new-to-me, amazing community and I thank you for supporting me while I am.

Before I go I thought you might find it interesting that the majority of the comments to what makes a woman instantly unattractive was smoking. As this is one of my deal-breakers, I whole-heartedly agree.

Be well my friends.

I woke up today excited and hopeful, despite getting only 5 hours of sleep. I did not make it to the dancing lessons last night. But I don’t feel bad about that because I accomplished something I’ve been working on for 10 months.

The second draft of my book is finished and ready for its first reading!

I’ll be delivering the story on a flash drive to a writer friend of mine this morning at our monthly coffee meeting. I’m both nervous and excited.

And not just about the book. Another exciting thing is happening today, but you’ll have to wait for a future post for those details. Sneak peek: it involves a virtual picnic.

And last but not least (yes I know that’s a cliché, but I like clichés) this morning I saw that I had 200 visitors to my site and I’ve had 498 views! I know this is small potatoes in the grand scheme of all things social media, but I am thrilled by all the support I’ve received!

I’ve been writing here for a month and haven’t missed a day. It was a quiet goal I set for myself knowing that I’m great at starting projects but not so good at follow-through.

When blogs first became a thing I thought about how cool it would be to write one. I was right, this is cool. I look forward to many more and want to thank all of you for being along for this wonderful ride.

If you’re not already doing something you are passionate about, go find it, go do it.

Be well my friends.

I had the day off yesterday and had a wonderful massage around mid-day. I basically did nothing other than that for the rest of the day. It was glorious.

So good I think that today I’m going to have a similar day. Today’s self-care will look a little different though. I will be working on my book, reaching out to friends I haven’t talked to in a while, and maybe dancing. That last one depends on my knee and a little bit on my brain.

I’ve been slowly introducing my body and mind to joyful movement. I’ve worked so hard for the last several years to deprogram my brain, to teach it that there are no bad foods and that I have value no matter what size my body is.  Joyful movement is the next step because being a complete slug might feel like my body’s default, it’s really not. I am made to move.

However, exercise always feels like punishment, and I struggle to convince my brain otherwise. Years of diet culture have conditioned me to believe that if I want to eat a certain way I must exercise, or that if I exercise I get to eat bad food.

So I don’t exercise. Rather, I’ve been randomly turning on music and dancing in the middle of my living room or swimming in the ocean and walking on the beach on vacation or visiting flea markets and just wandering.

But any time I try to schedule physical activities (like dancing lessons which should feel like fun, not exercise) it triggers anxiety.  This evening’s dance lessons are about trying to do some scheduled fun without panic or anxiety. Wish me luck.

Be well my friends.

Today is a day for honoring those who have served and sacrificed for this country. I am a USAF veteran. I would not change those decisions that made me a veteran, even if I could.

So much of who I am today comes from the people I met, the experiences I had, and the lessons I learned while I served. Practically my entire adult life has been spent in service to this country as both military member and civilian public servant.

Being queer, however, causes me to feel conflict about that service, especially on this day. Many of those who served in the past or are currently serving tend to be very conservative and have beliefs that don’t value who I am now.

But many in the queer community condemn the military and other public servants, like police officers, so they hold beliefs that don’t value who I was which in turn is a big part of who I am now. I often find myself too liberal for my veteran friends and too conservative for my queer friends.

At my age I know it shouldn’t matter that I don’t fit and most of the time I’m not concerned with it. But with the election that just happened on a national level and a shake up in my group of friends, I’m very much feeling my status as a misfit.

I know there are other queer veterans out there. I’ve met quite a few, but I’ve never sat down and discussed with them if they experience this conflict in their lives too. Maybe I should start a support group.

If you are queer but not a vet or a vet that is not queer, please remember me and others like me when you feel like condemning those on the other side.

Be well my friends.

“If you still talk to your ex you are not ready for your next.”

Someone posted that phrase on a lesbian group I’m in and it sparked a lengthy debate. There were a lot of comments like, “what are we back in high school?” or “when I’m done I’m done”. Most landed on the side of mature, healthy women are more than capable of being friends with their exes.

I admit this phenomenon was another new concept to me, but when my first long term relationship ended I understood the desire to not let go of all the other relationships I had developed during my time with her. I had to figure out how to be friends with her in order for the other relationships to continue.

I’m not sure how successful I’ve been but we do still talk about books and I get to see the grand kids on FB. Now that some time has passed and healing has happened, I’m hoping we can actually develop a more active friendship.

My current lady friend is friends with both of her long-term exes, one of whom is now one of her best friends. I keep expecting to be jealous when she talks about her, but it’s so obvious that they are just friends, I just don’t have it in me.

My last girlfriend got so angry or annoyed when I talked about my exes; it was a little scary. Of course this is the same woman who gaslit me so I’m easily able to see that difference. Healthy mature people have healthy mature relationships.

Since most of my relationship experience comes from the heteronormative world though, it is still a little weird. I’m grateful to the ex who still talks to me. She has taught me so much about how to love. I’m grateful to the other exes too because I learned the same thing, just not so gently. Learning how not to love is just as valuable an experience.

Be well my friends.

Short post today because I’m feeling the effects of the covid booster I got yesterday.

It will come as no surprise that I am very happy with most of the results of the election in my state of Colorado. Thank you to my fellow Coloradans for making me feel welcome ad accepted in this beautiful state. I have lived here for most of my life, but I haven’t always felt welcome here.

Colorado used to be considered a swing state, a purple state, but yesterday showed that is no longer true. Thank goodness.

I grumble a lot about how crowded the metro area has become but those crowds are filled with people who won’t stand for idiocy or bigotry, who understand sacrifice for the greater good (i.e. masks and vaccines), who believe that who and how I love are my choice, and who affirm that I have the right to full autonomy over my body.

Thank you and be well my friends.

OMG I recently got to spend hours doing writing sprints with a group of published authors of sapphic fiction. One of whose works I’ve actually read and really like. In case you’re not a book nerd, it’s kind of like getting to go backstage to meet one of your favorite musicians or hanging out in the green room with your favorite actors.

I googled the other authors and I’m looking forward to reading some of their books. However, I felt like such a fraud. I almost ducked out during the first sprint, but I figured what the heck, I need to do some writing so I might as well stick around. During the first break I was asked what I write. I told them and also said I thought I was in the wrong place. Turns out though there was another author who was working on her first novel too..

For those who don’t know how writing sprints work, there is a few minutes of talking about everything and nothing, then there is 20 – 30 minutes of writing. Everyone turns off their cameras and microphones and when the time is up we come back on camera to share how many words we wrote.

I got a blog post written, edited and rewrote three chapters of my novel during that session. It was great! The next morning I joined for another two hours and got another blog post drafted, and another one edited and posted.

It’s moments like these when I feel as if my dream of being a published author might actually come true.

Every time I open myself to opportunities good things happen. Not only am I now connected to group of people who are published sapphic fiction writers, but I’m dating again, meeting new friends, and trying all kinds of new things. It’s thrilling!

So maybe it’s not always wonderful, but even when it doesn’t work out, I learn things. I have to keep reminding myself of this because I often get afraid to push the button, click the link, or take the next step. How many chances were missed because I was afraid? Too many, but not anymore. It’s worth the risk.

Be well my friends.

I wish I would have had a place to learn about what to do when a woman you’re interested in lives too far away for even a ‘meet in the middle’ date, so I thought I’d share my experience.

I had my first virtual first date this weekend. I’ve been on virtual dates before due to the pandemic and because competing schedules made it difficult to spend time with my girlfriend at the time. But I was already in a relationship for those dates. This was different.

When we first discussed the idea of doing a virtual date, I thought no sweat, much easier than a “real “one. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized, I, we, really deserved for it to feel like a real date. So I vowed to put in the effort.

I went on a cleaning spree. I knew it wasn’t likely she would ask for a tour of the space I was in, but what if she did want one? I took what felt like hours trying to figure out a complete outfit to wear even though I knew she would probably never see anything but my top. I fretted, yes actually fretted, about how to do my hair and should I wear makeup.

I worried about the lighting and how to set up the space, so as to make a good impression. It was way more work than an in person first date would have been. But an in-person date isn’t an option right now.

I may have mentioned that I love words and that I’m good with them (yes I’m very modest I know). This, however, only applies to the written word.

Speaking words, especially to a very attractive woman, I am not so good at. I was so nervous and awkward. I’m cringing just thinking about it.  

Fortunately for me she was feeling just as nervous and uncomfortable. We laughed about it, which broke the ice, and then we were able to relax enough to have a fun evening of conversation.

I got her permission to write about our date, but I am not going to share anything further. Some things should not be shared. Maybe there will be future opportunities appropriate to share. Stay tuned.

Be well my friends.

Saw this meme on Facebook. No idea who originally posted it, but I laughed really hard when I saw it. It’s not quite that bad, but it really can feel this way sometimes. It can be a real nightmare.

You’ve got the gold stars who won’t even engage, the predators and narcissists who are very good at their camouflage, and the women who live across the country or in another country altogether. Then there the others just like me who haven’t got a clue what they’re doing.

When you do find someone you connect with, then you encounter the truly terrifying rollercoaster called Lesbian Time. Depending on who you ask about this phenomenon you’ll get different answers as to how to tell time this way.

Some say the ratio is 1=7. Others are more complicated; one minute = three hours, one week = a month, one month = three months.  All agree it is greatly accelerated compared to hetero relationships, making the feelings so intense.

I’ve experienced it with every woman I’ve dated, not that there are very many. I can’t seem to figure out how not to do it.

Catching feelings when you connect with someone is exhilarating. You text almost non-stop for two or three days which feels likes you’ve known them for weeks or months. Then all of sudden there’s radio silence for an hour or two, which feels like days, and you start to get anxious. Did I say something? Are they ok? Are they working and I forgot their schedule? Did they tell me about an appointment and I forgot? Argh.

Breathe. Don’t panic. If they really are ghosting you there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. Don’t sit around waiting for them. You’ve got a life to live.

If they aren’t ghosting you, the advice is still the same.  They’ll check in soon and both of you will be glad that you are a whole person, independent and strong.

Each time I start a new relationship, I’ll have to remind myself, ‘buckle up buttercup because this is the ride you signed up for’. One day, sooner rather than later I hope, I’ll find my person and that will be the last ride.

Until then, be well my friends.

When I was in basic training for the US Air Force, I was 20 years old and the second oldest woman in the squadron. The oldest was a reservist in her late twenties. The rest of the trainees were all 17 and 18 years old. They called the older lady Grandma and me, I got mom. Apparently I still give off a mom vibe around younger women.

I’m not opposed to that in general. Many queer folx have crappy parents and if I am able to ease the pain of that a bit by being understanding and motherly, I’m okay with that. As with my own kid though I have to be careful not to impose my opinions or advice when unasked for and just try to be a safe space and a soft place to land. I’m not always successful, but I try.

If we are friends, I will go full mama bear for you when you need me. This means you get my love and support when you are fighting your demons or the a-holes out in the world. I am fiercely loyal to my friends. Ultimately though I am not the mama.

Every single one of the people I have chosen to be in my life fills a space in my heart and fulfills a special function in my overall wellbeing. I’ve been told I am a very selfish creature. I prefer to see it as self-care. If you are not contributing to my wellbeing, then I can’t be well enough to help you with yours. I want what is best for each of us.

That being said, if you have drama with another one of our friends, do not ask me to take sides. That puts me back into mom mode and I will not play favorites. I will not choose sides and if you’re the one being unreasonable, I will call you out. I’ll still love you and support you and help make things better if I can, but I am their friend too.

I know that some will say if you don’t pick a side you are choosing the other side. So be it. If you give me an ultimatum, you are essentially pushing me away anyway and you need to be prepared that I won’t choose you. I want you to find your peace, but not at the cost of mine. I’ve worked too hard to get here.

To ALL of my friends, be well.