To Ex or Not to Ex

“If you still talk to your ex you are not ready for your next.”

Someone posted that phrase on a lesbian group I’m in and it sparked a lengthy debate. There were a lot of comments like, “what are we back in high school?” or “when I’m done I’m done”. Most landed on the side of mature, healthy women are more than capable of being friends with their exes.

I admit this phenomenon was another new concept to me, but when my first long term relationship ended I understood the desire to not let go of all the other relationships I had developed during my time with her. I had to figure out how to be friends with her in order for the other relationships to continue.

I’m not sure how successful I’ve been but we do still talk about books and I get to see the grand kids on FB. Now that some time has passed and healing has happened, I’m hoping we can actually develop a more active friendship.

My current lady friend is friends with both of her long-term exes, one of whom is now one of her best friends. I keep expecting to be jealous when she talks about her, but it’s so obvious that they are just friends, I just don’t have it in me.

My last girlfriend got so angry or annoyed when I talked about my exes; it was a little scary. Of course this is the same woman who gaslit me so I’m easily able to see that difference. Healthy mature people have healthy mature relationships.

Since most of my relationship experience comes from the heteronormative world though, it is still a little weird. I’m grateful to the ex who still talks to me. She has taught me so much about how to love. I’m grateful to the other exes too because I learned the same thing, just not so gently. Learning how not to love is just as valuable an experience.

Be well my friends.

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