Author: Angel Beldam

I am fully aware of the problematic nature of this holiday. I acknowledge that I live on stolen land, and I honor the Ute, Cheyenne, Apache, Arapaho, and Shoshone, who were once numerous here.

I am a descendant of colonizers who destroyed and displaced Indigenous peoples on two continents. Furthermore, I am the grandchild of evangelical Christian missionaries who sought to civilize and save the souls of my mother’s people.

I cannot change this truth about who I come from. The past cannot be changed. I can only do the best that I can do from this moment on.

When you get a moment, please read this article about how many Indigenous people view this American holiday.

https://www.goodmorningamerica.com/living/story/indigenous-mom-leads-call-learn-truthsgiving-92481830

At the end, the author talks about how the idea of gratitude is one of the important things we can take way from the history of this day.

I am grateful for a great many things, but mostly I am grateful for all the amazing humans in my life, my family and friends who actively and wholeheartedly love and support me.

May you celebrate today with awareness and gratitude.

Be well my friends.

I have been really sucked into social media since the domestic terrorist attack this past weekend. So many people sharing words of support and stories about the victims and survivors of the Club Q shooting. Our community closing ranks against the haters. Allies encircling and supporting us.

But there are not enough Allies and way too many haters to make it through a scroll without vile, disgusting rhetoric oozing into what should be safe spaces. Where are all the Allies? Have they, have we, become so immune to this violence and hatred? Or are we/they just so worn down by the sheer volume of it we just don’t have the ability to be outraged anymore? I don’t have an adequate answer to that, but I knew I needed to get away from the digital world for a bit.

I went to my weekly trivia game last night, but it was difficult. Before I even left the house I had to tell my mother not to worry because I was going to a regular bar not a gay bar. When I got there I was glad to see a friend had already found a table in the corner where there would be two solid walls around us, but we couldn’t see the screen, so we had to move away from the protection of those walls.

It took a few moments debating with myself before I finally chose to sit with my back to the front entrance. Every fiber of my being was screaming at me to remember my training on how to be safe in public spaces. I was uncomfortable all night and had to really fight not to keep looking over my shoulder. I have worked for many years to overcome that fear response and I was right back there last night.

Instead of our normally very gay team name we went with something basic, and we all wore subdued clothes and accessories. We talked about our fears about being ourselves in public spaces and it about broke my heart to see my friends so scared.

It felt really good to be with my friends. The hugs were tighter and longer than usual but they were so very needed. Also, it felt really good to be in the real world and just playing and being. I’ve spent way too much time in the past several days on social media. Being with my friends really helped to ease the crush of all that outrage and reminded me that love, compassion, and community are just as powerful.

Be careful out there and know that I love and support you my friends.

Today I haven’t been able to find my own words so I’m going to just leave a few internet memes using other people’s words.

Have a good day my friends.

I have a friend who likes to use the phrase “I’m on the struggle bus today”. I’m totally on board today. I really struggled with what to write this morning.

I am filled with so many conflicting emotions.

I am angry and heartbroken about the senseless violence this weekend. I’m also proud of the various healthy and helpful ways my various friends have responded.

I’m grateful to those who he been supportive and provide space for me and others to feel all the feels.

I am at a really good place in my personal life. Big milestone reached on my first book, new book project started, and a new relationship moving through the giddy getting to know you phase. All my loved ones are healthy if not completely happy.

But I worry even putting this in writing will jeopardize this fragile bubble of goodness and I feel guilty about the goodness when there is so much awfulness happening around me. And then I’m angry again at the worry and guilt I feel about my own happiness.

I have the luxury of being able to dedicate time to writing this blog and my poetry and fiction. What am I doing with this privilege? Am I helping others? Am I giving back? Or am I just indulging my own ego and self-interests.

I give money to various causes I’m passionate about. Is that enough? What more can I be doing? Is my time better suited to actively volunteering? Building houses for homeless vets or providing safe shelter for queer young people are causes I support with my money because I don’t have the skills to build homes or run shelters.

How do I use the skills I do have to help others? I don’t have a good answer yet. But I will find ways to help when and where I can. I hope all my friends will too.

Take care of yourselves my friends.

I am full of emotion right now. I’m angry, heart-broken, and scared. As I write this, it is still a developing story so I don’t have anything but the most basic details released by the cops. A gunman has killed and injured many people in a LGBTQ+ club in Colorado Springs

I am devastated that another mass shooting has happened in my state. And another hate crime committed against this amazing and vulnerable community.

I am so proud to be a member of this community and most days I am proud to be a Coloradan. But right now I’m disgusted that we have such lax gun laws here. I hope with the Dems fully in charge of both houses and the governorship that this will be the impetus to maybe change that. I won’t hold my breath though.

 I think what has me the angriest is that I’m scared. I hate that I am second guessing going to events where there will be large gathering of queer folx. I’ve spent so much of my life being fearful–afraid of not being good enough, or thin enough, or worthy of love–and I’ve worked really hard at not living in fear, to be brave despite the fear.

I will continue to attend these events and I will do so defiantly. Narrow minded bigots be damned.

It’s going to be a tough day. Hug your loved ones if you can.

Take care my friends.

Update: I just saw a message from the club owners saying that the gunman was stopped by patrons in the club and the police say he’s in the hospital in custody. I hope they hurt him. This wanting makes me mad and sad too. I wish I was more evolved, but I am not. I really hope they hurt him.

I got a text out of the blue the other day inviting me to an outing at the theater to see A Christmas Carol. The performers were talented, and it was a lovely rendition of a story nearly two centuries old.   We had a great time!

I love going to the theater, ballet, opera, etc. So many wonderful date nights and nights with friends have been spent in venues of music and theater or roaming through masterpieces of paintings and sculpture.

It’s not always affordable though, either for me or some of my friends which is a shame. The arts, in whatever form, create a space where artificial constructs like race and gender don’t have to exist. We can just be human with an appreciation for creativity and talent.

There’s a certain amount of privilege in the Arts, I acknowledge that. But I firmly believe there should not be. It should be accessible to everyone.

It’s part of why I continue to support taxes and mill levies for my local school district even though I no longer have a child in school. It is why I like going to community theater whenever I can.

If it wasn’t for school arts programs and community theaters, those performers I got to enjoy last night would likely not be there. I cannot imagine a world with out art and music and storytelling. What an awful place it would be.

Alright, jumping off my soapbox, but before I go I need to acknowledge my wonderful friends. Thank you so much for including me in your adventures and experiences.

Be well my friends.

I’m struggling with what to do for my next big writing project. I have a couple of story ideas-a prequel and a sequel to my first novel. But I’m not feeling either right now. I do feel a strong urge to start a completely new project, but I have no idea what to write about.

This blog has taken on a life of its own and takes up some significant time some days and I enjoy writing it. It feels like writing letters to my friends. But I want to sink my teeth into another big project, with research and character studies and world building and plotting an outline.

Part of the reason I want to start a new project is because I’m waiting for feedback from my writer/editor friend. What if she tells me it’s a disaster? She would never be that unkind. But this imposter syndrome is no joke.

Anyway, I know I want it to be sapphic and sci-fi or fantasy. And I’d like to have the characters be a bit older. Not that I don’t appreciate youth. I do, but it sucks that in our society women my age. or older, all but disappear from the romance genre.

As if we’re dried up old crones that no longer desire sex and intimacy and romance. It’s hard to find sapphic sci-fi, but it is practically impossible to find sapphic romance with main characters in their fifties or older.

I’ve already recommended one in my October 18th entry, but that was science fiction. I have only read one lesbian romance with mature protagonists: Mrs. Martin’s Incomparable Adventure by Courtney Milan. It was a delightful story that I very much enjoyed. The characters ages were a part of the story and they felt real.

Anyway if you have any ideas about what you’d like to read, let me know. Maybe it’ll spark a fire of an idea for me.

Be well my friends.

What would you tell your 20-year-old self?

A friend of mine asked me this and I gave her the flippant response of ‘buy Apple and Microsoft stock’.

Hers was ‘you are enough and don’t settle’.

Both are actually pretty good answers, but it got me thinking. If I really could go back and change or influence my 20-year-old self, would I do it?

After only thinking about it for a minute or two I knew the answer would be no, not my 20 year old self. I was 28 when my son was born, and I would never do anything that would jeopardize him being him or in my life.

However, I might consider going back and telling my 30-year-old self “You’re gay. Queer as a 3-dollar bill”.

What would that revelation have changed for me? It might have erased a decade of a sexless marriage that ended with betrayal and devastation. It might have prevented my many medical issues. So many things might be different now. But would I really want that?

Maybe, but change anything along the way and it would alter who I am, and I like the woman I am now. I am not perfect nor am I done learning and growing yet, but I think I have turned out alright.

So, all that just to say that no, I would not go back and tell any of my younger selves to do anything different. I am who and where I am supposed to be.

Be well my friends.

My weekly trivia game is in a new venue, and I had fun even though we didn’t win. It has a very different vibe as it is a sports bar instead of a neighborhood bar.

There were the usual suspects there: tables full of bros (one that actually participated in the game), a table full of folks I think were professional trivia junkies, and several couples on a date.

I was thrilled to see that one of those couples. were two beautiful, young ladies obviously very into each other.  They joined the game late but seemed to have fun.

It did not escape my notice that they sat as far away from the bros as possible. They found a corner table not far from ours. It is a little sad that they chose that spot and I wonder if it was even a conscious choice. or just instinct for self-preservation.

Regardless, it was nice to see them there. Though I have to admit I was also a bit jealous. Not that they were young and beautiful, but that they were together, physically in the same place.

Who knew physical proximity was a luxury?

But I digress. My point was it’s nice to be able to go into a place that is traditionally a masculine space and see a lesbian couple (who are not a part my friend group) just be themselves. The world needs more of this.

Be well my friends.

Does anyone write letters anymore? Love letters, pen pal letters, letters to the editor? I’m not talking emails, but actual letters written by hand on stationary.  

I was recently reminded of the romanticism of letter writing by someone when we were discussing Gentleman Jack.

There really aren’t that many good things about the good old days, especially if you weren’t a cis white male, but I think we lost something with instantaneous communication.

I understand that my privilege is showing, and that during the times of Gentlemen Jack it was only the privileged that had the ability to even write let alone have the luxury of time and the money to spend on paper and ink.

When I was on active duty stationed overseas, computers were still in their infancy and calling long distance cost a small fortune. So getting letters from family and friends was very exciting and comforting and completely necessary to keep us connected.

We’re all so busy and it’s just easier to send a text to get the minimum said or an email if you need to convey the message more formally. We don’t even talk on the phone much anymore.

And don’t get me started on the fact that they aren’t even teaching cursive is school anymore. My 25-year-old kid is brilliant, but he can’t read or write in cursive.

OMG when did I start sounding like my dad?

Anyway I recently bought some beautiful stationary and sent my first letter to someone I’ve been in contact with via instant communication.  I’ll let you know if I get a letter back, assuming it’s okay with her of course. Always with consent.

Be well my friends.