Struggle Bus

I have a friend who likes to use the phrase “I’m on the struggle bus today”. I’m totally on board today. I really struggled with what to write this morning.

I am filled with so many conflicting emotions.

I am angry and heartbroken about the senseless violence this weekend. I’m also proud of the various healthy and helpful ways my various friends have responded.

I’m grateful to those who he been supportive and provide space for me and others to feel all the feels.

I am at a really good place in my personal life. Big milestone reached on my first book, new book project started, and a new relationship moving through the giddy getting to know you phase. All my loved ones are healthy if not completely happy.

But I worry even putting this in writing will jeopardize this fragile bubble of goodness and I feel guilty about the goodness when there is so much awfulness happening around me. And then I’m angry again at the worry and guilt I feel about my own happiness.

I have the luxury of being able to dedicate time to writing this blog and my poetry and fiction. What am I doing with this privilege? Am I helping others? Am I giving back? Or am I just indulging my own ego and self-interests.

I give money to various causes I’m passionate about. Is that enough? What more can I be doing? Is my time better suited to actively volunteering? Building houses for homeless vets or providing safe shelter for queer young people are causes I support with my money because I don’t have the skills to build homes or run shelters.

How do I use the skills I do have to help others? I don’t have a good answer yet. But I will find ways to help when and where I can. I hope all my friends will too.

Take care of yourselves my friends.