Author: Angel Beldam

I had a different blog planned for today, but I got up late again today as I had trouble sleeping last night.

I’m writing this now as I listen to the rain in our first thunderstorm of the year. The day started sunny and beautiful, but an hour ago we had driving rain and hail.  We even had a tornado warning today though I only know that now from watching the news, not because it was near here. Other places in Colorado are supposed to get 2-3 feet of snow though again not here.

If I had left the house this morning it would have been perfect for just a light jacket, but I’ll need more than that when I leave later. I doubt I will have to shovel the walk in the morning though so there is that.

What is it about listening to a thunderstorm? Hearing the raindrops hit the roof and the rumble of the thunder for me is very soothing. Maybe it’s because it doesn’t do it very much here and this type of long soaking rain is rare enough that it feels special.

If I lived somewhere where it rained incessantly for days on end that soothing sound of rain on the roof could become an unceasing nightmare I suppose. But I’ve never lived anywhere that had a rainy season that lasts for weeks or even months so maybe that’s why? I don ‘t know but I am enjoying it now while I’m safe in my house.

In an hour when I have to go out and drive in it with people who forget how to drive when we get any form of moisture that will likely be a different story. It’s just rain people.

Be safe out there my friends.

Yesterday started out so positive and I was looking forward to all my planned activities. Sometime during the morning, however, I began to feel dread and anxiety and by the time I got home, I was experiencing something close to a panic attack.

Some of what I had planned for the day I knew I could just blow off without explanation, but I had plans with a friend for dinner and a show. I spent nearly an hour agonizing over how to get out of it. Chatted with my girlfriend about it but I didn’t even tell her how bad I was really feeling because I didn’t want her to worry.

I didn’t want to upset my friend or disappoint them, but I knew I couldn’t leave the house again. Fortunately, some of my logic center was still functioning and I was able to reason out that my friend cares about me and is aware of my struggles with anxiety, so I sent a message asking how upset they’d be if I backed out because I was feeling crippling anxiety and just wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep for a week.

I also told them I had thought about lying and making up an excuse but had hoped they would be ok with the truth. Not only did my friend understand, they thanked me for my honesty.

How wonderful is it to have such amazing friends?

I know that I still have some people in my circle that I can’t be that honest and vulnerable with, but I am so grateful for the ones that I can be. Being vulnerable is so difficult but being open and honest is the only way to have healthy strong relationships. Life is too short for any other kind. Which means of course, when Tennessee reads this I’ll probably have to apologize.

Life is also too short to have crippling anxiety so I’m working on that. A decent night’s sleep last night helped and I didn’t have to leave the house today, so I spent some time with my journal to try and work through it. Talked with a friend and being able to label some of what seems to be triggering me helped reduce the intensity of my anxiety.

I know that living in the moment, not thinking about the future, or trying to control everything is the best way to not be anxious but that is always easier said than done and its extremely difficult to maintain that frame of mind for long. I wish I could be that person that lets go of all my worries but I’m just not–not yet anyway. Someday maybe. In the meantime all I can do is my best.

Take care yourselves my friends.

I did it ya’ll. I finished my third draft! That is what I spent most of yesterday doing. I’m so excited. It’s on its way to the editor today and then I will be in search of beta readers.

Beta readers! Who would’ve thought?

I have so many doubts about this novel, but I refuse to chicken out. I’m going to keep moving in the process to get it published. I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn’t matter if only a handful of friends buy it just to support me. I have no control, or very little anyway, about what happens after its published. I can work hard to market it and that might help but ultimately my goal was to get it published.

It would make a great Christmas present.  Though from what I’ve learned from my author’s group, it’s more likely to be a retirement gift. But that is ok. It really is.

I have a busy day planned so I have to keep this short, but I just had to share. Thank you all for your continued support!

Be well my friends.

What a lovely day yesterday was. I got red roses and chocolate covered cookies from Tennessee and white roses with purple from my bestie. I had a divine massage. My mom cooked one of my favorite dishes for dinner. And I got lots of birthday wishes from all of my friends and many family members too. Even my son remembered without having to be reminded by his grandmother.

Because I took the day off, as I always do on my birthday, I got to sleep late and I’m only working a half day today, so I slept late this morning too. Such a luxury and another reason I’m looking forward to retirement–only 607 days left–maybe.

That is the first time I’ve officially acknowledged that maybe.

For a long time now I have been adamant about my retirement date being non-negotiable. But recent developments, that have nothing to do with my TSP losing an entire year’s worth of my salary last year (okay maybe a little to do with that) have made me start to rethink my plans to retire the day I am eligible.

My priorities have changed.. And I’m not even sad about it.

Milestones like birthdays often have me reflecting on what’s the same or different and wow, how much has changed since my last birthday.

Some of the changes are so drastic that I’m often fighting with the fear of it being too good to be true. I have to remind myself that I deserve to be happy. I’m allowed to savor the good things and bask in the light. I’ve done a lot of work with my therapist on this very thing, and I know that work will need to continue. But for now I’m going enjoy the fruits of my labor and savor my good fortune.

Happy Friday my friends.

P.S. No progress on my NaNo project to report, but my goal is to finish up this weekend. Look for a triumphant message either Sunday or Monday…and you can hold me to that!

Thank you for all of your lovely Birthday wishes! Today I am officially a senior citizen at 55. I am eligible to live in any senior community I want. Quiet evenings, no small children except for the occasional well-behaved grandchild, shuffleboard tournaments. Sounds fun!

Well maybe not. Besides, other than the tournaments I already live in such a space, mostly. I know and like my two next door neighbors and most people in our neighborhood are quiet and respectful. On a warm spring or fall day I can sometimes hear the middle school kids if the wind is just right, and they are particularly loud. And occasionally on Saturday mornings during the summer I can hear the soccer games.  

Sounds lovely right? So would it surprise you to know that there is a possibility that I will not be living here on my next birthday?

I’ve been listening to an audiobook for my second book club of the month called “The Measure” by Nikki Erlick. The question in the book description is would you choose to know how long you’re going to live?

I’m almost finished, and I can’t wait to see how it ends. I’m also very much looking forward to the discussion on Sunday morning. It has been so thought provoking.

Would I choose to live differently if I knew exactly how much time I have left?

This is a very different question for me now than it would have been 30 years ago. I have less life ahead of me than I do behind me. Even if I live as long as my grandmother who just celebrated her 96th birthday, I already know that my time is getting shorter, and I don’t really have the time left to waste on worry or what ifs.

One thing I’ve noticed about people as they get older is that they tend to get more conservative, cautious, careful, and even fearful. But I have spent most of my life already careful and fearful. Do I really want to get more so with my remaining years?

The answer is no.

Will the choices I’m about to make lead to a perfect life? Of course not. Such a thing doesn’t exist.

Do I risk moving to a place that is potentially dangerous for me to be me? Do I risk losing touch with the friends and family who have been so supportive of me? Do I risk having my heartbroken?

Yes, Yes and Yes.

Is the risk worth it? Yes.

Several things have to happen before a decision to move is made, but if those things do occur, I could very well be writing future blogs from a place with a much different view out my window. Possible even sooner rather than later.

Happy Birthday to me.

I feel like I need to apologize because I haven’t been consistent with posting first thing in the morning, but it’s my blog and whether I post or not and when I post is my prerogative right?

Tonight is my first book club of this month and we’ve been reading “The Body is Not an Apology” by Sonya Renee Taylor. In it she reminds us that as women it is not required to apologize at all let alone for when we actually haven’t done anything except be or exist.

So I won’t actually apologize but I will let you know that while I love writing this blog it’s really difficult to consistently write first thing every morning. So I’m no longer going to stress about it. I hope that won’t cause my readers to stop reading. All 6 of you are appreciated beyond words.

Thank you also to those of you who reached out to me directly and congratulated me for what I wrote yesterday. You made my day. It’s really nice to feel supported whether I am sharing good news or bad.

And I have more good news. Tuesday trivia was a big success as we won last night. It was so great seeing the friends of mine who were there. I’ll get to see some of those same friends tonight and a few other new ones at the book club meeting. It’s our first in person meeting as the first several kept getting derailed by Mother Nature.

Even now I’m looking out the window at some icky weather, but it’s just rain and wind this month. Not this time Mother!

I’m looking forward to the insights of the others on this excellent book on the Power of Radical Self-love. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it.

Be well my friends.

I got another wonderful present from Tennessee for my birthday week. She sent me a montage of pictures and memes we’ve taken and shared from the day we “met” online.

It made me cry–not an ugly cry but the kind where tears leak out of your eyes as you are overwhelmed by the emotions pulsing through your body.

I can’t help but think that I am one of the luckiest people on the planet.

At the end of this month, we will be celebrating six months together. For my hetero friends that may not seem like very long, but in lesbian time that’s like three years. Granted the LDR aspect alters that time somewhat, but not to any real discernible degree.

We are deeply connected. There is no denying that. Not that I want to deny it. I’m thrilled by how our relationship is developing despite how hard it is to be so far apart.

I often feel reluctant to share too much because I’ve been worried about jinxing it. I thought about waiting for my birthday or the actual date when six months is official, but it just felt right today.

I think I finally feel safe enough to officially say I’m in love with this beautiful, amazing human and I’m very happy.

Finally had a “normal” day. Gave the dog a bath with the resulting guess as to which of us got more wet. Did writing sprints with my writer’s group and got back on track with my NaNo project.

Had date night with Tennessee. It was so good to see her. I really missed her, and I know she missed me too. My being sick really messed with our communicating with each other. It was so nice to have one of our meandering conversations about a little bit of everything. It didn’t last very long because I still tire easily and that was a little sad. But I’ll make it up to her.

As for the day ahead, I have proof spring is here because the sprinkler folks are coming sometime today and there’s an appointment for the bug guy on the calendar too.

And it’s my birthday week which means avoiding traditional news sources, so I don’t have to see all the anniversary stories of terrible events over the years. Ok that’s not all it means but that is a sad truth.

Despite that though I am looking forward to the week ahead because I get to meet with friends, and I have a massage scheduled too. So that is where I’ll focus my energy and I’ll pace myself so as to not overdo it.

I’ll see some of you soon. Be well my friends.

Yesterday was just the day I needed. I got a few must dos done but I didn’t do much of anything else but rest and I’m feeling much better today, better than I have in weeks.

I finished another book and realized I still needed to read one of my book club books for next Sunday, so I started that one. At least if I’m not doing much writing, I am getting my reading in.

Mom and I started a new series called “Fringe”. It is not new but neither of us have seen it. It’s pretty weird but entertaining so far. I also spent way too much time on TikTok, but that too was very entertaining. My FYP is quite eclectic though thankfully I still seem to be on the queer and liberal side.

I came across one creator who was responding to “Don’t roll your eyes at me” and they said, “I’m not rolling my eyes. I’m taking my initial natural response sending it up to my brain so it can bowling ball return a response that you find more socially appropriate.”

I laughed so hard. This is so something I wish my brain could have come up with to respond during my earlier years. Though I could use it now as I do still roll my eyes from time to time when confronted by idiocy. Which happens mostly online these days so I can switch it off. I am grateful for that.

I am also grateful that I’m well enough to return to some sort of normalcy, whatever that means. My to do list is quite extensive but I’ll just have to prioritize what I have the energy to complete. I hope that means I’ll make some progress on my NaNo project. We’ll see.

It looks to be a beautiful day here in Colorado, so I hope all my local friends will get to enjoy the day.

Be well my friends.

First, let me apologize to those of you have been faithful daily readers. This bug really knocked me down. Took my mother out too and she never gets sick. I haven’t had enough energy to do anything but struggle through my paying job. But today I feel like I might just have the energy I need to write and work on my NaNo project.

And because I have such an amazing girlfriend, I’ll have warm coffee for as long as there’s coffee in the cup. My first birthday present arrived yesterday–a mini hot plate aka a cup warmer. I love it! Thank you Tennessee!

I’ve really missed writing and if I’m totally honest it feels a bit like I’ve sort of forgotten how. It’s only been a few days but I’m really struggling to get into it again.

I have had time to do a little reading though and I did get a couple of books read.

I can highly recommend “An Unlikely Partnership” by Katie Trapp. It is a delightful paranormal lesbian romance with a bit of a mystery thrown in.

I also finished the 24th book of the Miss Fortune Mysteries written by Jana Deleon. I love this series because I love the characters. The premise is a bit preposterous, and the characters are over the top, but that’s what makes it fun to read. The mysteries themselves are well written with just enough clues that you might figure it out before the big reveal, but not by much.

I’m looking forward to going back out into the world again. I’ve missed my friends. Most of them were at trivia this past week and that is becoming a rare thing for them all to be there.  I’m sad I missed them. Lots of events coming up this week so I’m not going to overdo it this weekend because I don’t want to relapse.  But chores still have to be done, so time to join my mom and hop to it.

Have a great day and be well my friends.