Anxiety Cancelled My Night

Yesterday started out so positive and I was looking forward to all my planned activities. Sometime during the morning, however, I began to feel dread and anxiety and by the time I got home, I was experiencing something close to a panic attack.

Some of what I had planned for the day I knew I could just blow off without explanation, but I had plans with a friend for dinner and a show. I spent nearly an hour agonizing over how to get out of it. Chatted with my girlfriend about it but I didn’t even tell her how bad I was really feeling because I didn’t want her to worry.

I didn’t want to upset my friend or disappoint them, but I knew I couldn’t leave the house again. Fortunately, some of my logic center was still functioning and I was able to reason out that my friend cares about me and is aware of my struggles with anxiety, so I sent a message asking how upset they’d be if I backed out because I was feeling crippling anxiety and just wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep for a week.

I also told them I had thought about lying and making up an excuse but had hoped they would be ok with the truth. Not only did my friend understand, they thanked me for my honesty.

How wonderful is it to have such amazing friends?

I know that I still have some people in my circle that I can’t be that honest and vulnerable with, but I am so grateful for the ones that I can be. Being vulnerable is so difficult but being open and honest is the only way to have healthy strong relationships. Life is too short for any other kind. Which means of course, when Tennessee reads this I’ll probably have to apologize.

Life is also too short to have crippling anxiety so I’m working on that. A decent night’s sleep last night helped and I didn’t have to leave the house today, so I spent some time with my journal to try and work through it. Talked with a friend and being able to label some of what seems to be triggering me helped reduce the intensity of my anxiety.

I know that living in the moment, not thinking about the future, or trying to control everything is the best way to not be anxious but that is always easier said than done and its extremely difficult to maintain that frame of mind for long. I wish I could be that person that lets go of all my worries but I’m just not–not yet anyway. Someday maybe. In the meantime all I can do is my best.

Take care yourselves my friends.

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