Author: Angel Beldam

Quote

“Should is just could with shame all over it.”

(I cannot remember when I saw or heard this. If you know, drop a comment so I can give proper credit.)

Song

“If I Were a Fish” (feat. Olivia Barton) by corook

When I first heard this I thought it was silly but then I really listened to the words.

Book

Just downloaded “The Jasmine Throne” by Tasha Suri. I can’t wait to start it. There’s a ruthless princess and a powerful priestess rewriting the fate of an empire. How could it not be good?

Cyber Adventure

I’m still trying to figure out how to create the newsletter in the mailer app and link it into my current blog page while making sure it’s still functional when I finally get my author’s page created in square space. I can do hard things.

HGTV and HRH

I don’t think I can watch HGTV anymore. There are some interesting and inspiring shows, but when viewed through the lens of “how racist is this?” or “how does capitalistic patriarchy manifest itself?”–wow! The excess and audacity, or to borrow a phrase from the North Omaha Cat Lady, the “caucasity” of it all.

Speaking of which, did anyone watch the coronation? It was all over TikTok yesterday morning when I got up way too early. So were the protests and those were actually way more interesting.

Some Random Facts

-There have been 199 mass shootings in the U.S. in 126 days.

-The line separating earth from outer space is called the Karman line and it is located approximately 62 miles above sea level.

-Domesticated pigeons can live up to 15 years.

-Zooey Zephyr proposed to her girlfriend Erin Reed yesterday. Congratulations Zooey & Erin!

 Be well my friends.

Y’all I feel like such a boomer- you know the ones like my mom who hand their phone over to a younger family member to “fix” the problem?

I spent some time last night checking out the new programs and sites I’ve acquired for writing and marketing, and I’m so overwhelmed by how much I need to know and don’t.

I was 16 years old when I saw my first computer. It took up an entire room at the Vo tech. I took a class on programming Basic in my junior year and I used a “dumb” terminal to learn the programming language. I’m not sure why I went back for my senior year to learn COBOL, because I did not have a knack for it.

All these years later, I still struggle to learn how to use apps on my laptop and phone. I just don’t have the aptitude for it. And frankly I’m kind of tired of having to do it. I wish I could pay someone to do it for me so all I had to do is write.

Don’t get me wrong, I know there are people I could pay to do that stuff for me, trust me I looked. But I can’t really afford it.

I wish bartering were a more viable thing, but I don’t have much to trade. I could do their taxes I suppose or write and edit their business correspondence or even help with their bookkeeping. But they have apps for all that now and that kind of person is probably already good with those apps anyway.

So I’m stuck trying to figure it out myself. Is this where I say, “Woe is me?”

I think it’s probable that a Friday night after having worked, taken classes, and blogged all week might not have been the best time to start something new. So I’m going to finish my first cup of coffee and start fresh this morning. It still feels a little daunting but I’m going to give it my best shot now that I’m not so tired.

Wish me luck.

Bear with me as I share some writer stuff.

I watched an hour-long webinar on book marketing and learned a few new things and confirmed other things I’ve learned in my authors group. In addition to this blog, I am going need to start a newsletter and create a FB and IG profile for my penname. My twitter and TikTok accounts are connected to my blog so that’s already good.

Apparently the social media stuff is mostly just for landing zones to direct to the mailing list and doesn’t require all that much interaction. The bulk of my marketing needs to start with that email list, a newsletter, and defining who my reader is. This last one is freaking me out a bit, but we’ll deal with that a later time.

I got great advice on which mailer server to use and how not to use a regular Gmail account as there are rules about commerce using those accounts. I had no idea such a thing even existed, but it makes sense now that I think about it.

After my webinar was my writers group sprint session where I also got advice about which of the planning and plotting programs were best. I had one I got a free trial for from my NaNoWriMo prizes, so I signed up for the trial. I’m going to try it out, but it has a monthly fee whereas another one that most of the authors group uses only has a one-time fee. I’ll probably go that route but I’m going to try both.

I realize I might be talking gibberish to some of you but I’m so excited about moving forward in this process of becoming a published author. I confess to doing a bunch of research and falling down rabbit holes instead of working on the writing project I’m supposed to be working on.

But I’ve been reassured by my writers group that time spent on marketing, research, etc., is still part of the writing process and is not goofing off. My plan is to do the addition novel work while I’m dog-sitting for a couple days which starts soon. In the meantime I’m going to learn how to use my new mailer service to create a newsletter. This should be fun!

Enjoy your day my friends.

As a huge sci-fi geek you know that I have to pay tribute to this fun day.

I was so into Star Wars when it was released back in the 70s. Possibly it was my way of rebelling against the God of my parents being forced down my throat. Though I doubt it was a conscious thing back then.

I was completely fascinated by the idea of the Force. A magical energy that flowed through everyone and everything and that is not good or evil but just is and that that the wielder determined whether the outcome would be destructive or beneficial.

This was not some external Father Figure judging my every thought and action but a power that flowed within me and if I could just figure out how to tap into it I too could be powerful.

I don’t remember having such specific thoughts as a kid, but this is still something I am totally drawn to as an adult.

Within me is a microcosm of the power and energies that flow throughout the macrocosm that is the Universe and with meditation and full conscious awareness I can tap into that magic and power wherever I want. I’m not very good at it but I have experienced this phenomenon enough that I will continue to believe and practice.

How can I not?

Knowing that my higher power resides within me and not outside is incredibly empowering, but it also means I don’t get the luxury of laying the blame elsewhere if things don’t go well. I can’t say that it must not be God’s will and thus be absolved of my lack of effort or bad decisions. I am responsible for my life, and I have to live with the consequences of my decisions.

I am living my life as fully and authentically as I currently know how, doing as little harm as possible and helping when I can. Somedays it still doesn’t feel as if it’s enough, but it’s the best that I can do.

Namaste

One of the strangest things about writing is some days you can’t think of a single thing you want to say and other days you have so many things floating around in your head, but you can’t settle on just one thing. Today I’m experiencing the latter.

In a perfect world I would wake up every day knowing exactly what I’m going to write and the words just flow. I imagine there are writers who actually experience this though from what little I know interacting with other writers this is pretty rare.

So I’m just going to go with this chaos that is floating in my brain and hope you stick around for the ride.

I just finished reading “She’s Too Pretty to Burn” by Wendy Heard. It’s a YA sapphic suspense thriller and it took a very dark twist I probably should’ve seen coming but I didn’t. I enjoyed being surprised and if you like thrillers, you’ll enjoy this.

I started listening to a podcast yesterday called ”Graying Rainbows Coming out LGBT + Later in Life” by Dr. Ginger Campbell. She came out at 60 and had a hard time finding community just as I did and started the podcast in 2018 to try and help others in the same boat. That is partially why I started this blog too and wish I had found her podcast when I came out in 2019.

I’m looking forward to listening to the episodes. Maybe they will help me with the homework assignment I got from my therapist.

As I’ve recently mentioned I have complicated feelings about my father. My therapist wants me to imagine and write about what it might have looked like if my dad were still alive when I came out and he was fully accepting and supportive.  I have such a difficult time reconciling this fictional person with the man I knew, and I’ve been really resisting the assignment.

Years ago I read “The Artist’s way” by Julia Cameron, and the biggest thing I took from that is that the more you don’t want to write about something the closer you are to a breakthrough. I must be knocking at the door.

And honestly I think I am going to have a very difficult time writing anything constructive or meaningful until I do this. But I seriously don’t want to and I’m going to wallow in that resistance for a bit longer.

Self-care takes many forms. Take care of yourselves my friends.

FB group QOTD: What five items would you bring to a desert island? (Assume you have the basics for survival)

I love this question, but I think that assumption is very interesting. What exactly constitutes survival? Having the bare minimum of food and water so as to not die? Like a freshwater stream that has some fish you can catch with your hands and eat raw? You could survive for a while that way assuming the fish don’t die out and nothing happens to divert or pollute your water. That’s pretty basic.

Or are we talking a machete, fire starter kit, fishing line, cooking pot, a tarp, first aid kit, rope, Swiss army knife, life straw and twenty gallons of water (can use the bottes later for rainwater and capturing steam from boiled sea water), a hammock, and a shovel? These seem like the basics at a minimum for survival.

Ok, I know I’m being too literal and the point of these types of questions is to find your most needed items to make life endurable in survival mode. So that being said then, how are ‘items’ being defined? For instance, can I bring only one book or does a backpack full of books count as one item? I’m going to assume the latter (since we’re making assumptions from the get-go).

Here are my items:

-Large canvas duffle bag filled with composition notebooks, pencils, my favorite books, and a survival guide

-A large, insulated bag filled with multivitamins, prescription meds, and ibuprofen (the first aid kit won’t have enough)

-Large nylon bag with bottles of anti-bacterial soap and 2-in-1 bug spray and sunscreen

-A popup tent full of toilet paper and couple changes of clothes

-A sleeping bag with Tennessee in it

I could endure survival mode for years with that. But I must say I’m very glad I don’t have to live this way. My life is full of not only needed things, but with many things, and people, I adore and cherish.

Hope your days are filled with abundance so you never have to endure survival mode. Be well my friends.

One of the blogs I follow does a post on most Sundays called “My Sunday List” and I enjoy it very much. So I’m going to try that out today.

Quote

“I still hold on to the hope that I can one day heal everything in me which is broken” -Kalen Dion

Book

I am currently reading “She’s Too Pretty to Burn” by Wendy Heard.  It is a YA sapphic thriller. I am halfway through it and I like the way the author is building the tension.

Song

I’m still jamming out hard to “Little Girl Gone” by CHINCHILLA. I just love the energy and vibe.

Photo

Aspen gnawing on her headless cow. She is so needy most of the time, but so cute when she is playing.

Today’s Successes

Made my bed

Took a shower

Ordered groceries

And of course writing the blog. Some days this is as good as it gets.

What’s next?

Tonight is date night and we are doing an art night. It was my suggestion, but I still don’t know what creative project to work on. I have some cross-stitch but that never really feels like art, more like craft. I could color, but I’m kind of thinking of doing another collage painting. I really enjoy those.

Sports

My Avalanche are playing game 7 tonight. It’ll be on in the background.

Also I came across a video on Twitter of two women ice dancing. So amazing – check it out: https://twitter.com/twizzloop/status/1652592741359173632?t=FJlduJYCiMQBkZfFWduufg&s=19

Some Thoughts

Tomorrow is my dad’s birthday. He would’ve been 82 years old. My relationship with him is complicated even now that he’s gone. Sometimes I really miss him but mostly I’m grateful he’s not around. I hate saying that but it’s true. I don’t think I would have been brave enough to come out and he is the one I blame for my religious trauma, so it’s hard to celebrate him. But tomorrow is also Beltane so I will light a candle in honor of his existence as my existence wouldn’t be possible without his.

Take care of yourselves and Beltane Blessings my friends.

I have exciting news to share – my blog has been viewed over 2000 times! How cool is that? I’m also approaching the 500 visitors milestone. And I just looked back to when I started which was Oct 16,2022, so that means for six months my words have been out floating in cyberspace.

That is so…weird.

When I created this blog it was more an exercise to get my writing muscles working regularly to form a habit. And it worked mostly. I still struggle and I worry that I’ve limited myself with the title I’ve chosen but I don’t suppose it matters much. Being fat and gray and a baby gay are big parts of who I am right now, but it’s not all that I am so I am only as limited as I choose to be I suppose.

Huh? That was kind of profound actually.

We’re all of us only as limited as we choose to be.  Forget about the limits placed on me by society, how many limits am I putting on myself? How many have I imposed through past actions and decisions that I’m paying the price for now?

Last night I went to see a local band with a bunch of my friends. I danced to a couple songs but then was wiped out the rest of the evening. Now some of that is because of this last bout of flu, but honestly, I have never fully recovered my stamina after my first bout of covid. That was almost three years ago and most of my decisions since then have not been conducive to building that back up.

I did start recently trying to move more and be more active and it was working. I was feeling better. But then I got sick. Now it’s as if I’m starting from scratch again. It can be so discouraging.

If I don’t have good physical health though that affects my mental health which gets in the way of my writing. And that is not acceptable.

I find such joy in writing, even when its crushingly hard.

So once again I will try to find ways to move that I find joyful and fulfilling so that I can keep writing and hopefully one day get 10,000 views or, even better, sell some books.

Be well my friends.

I spent part of yesterday evening downloading feminine rage songs that I found on TikTok. Some are trending right now, and others popped up during a search. Some, of course, have been around for years and I already had them in my music library but three of the trending ones really resonated with me:

“Labour” by Paris Paloma

“Savage Daughter” by Sarah Hester Ross

“Little Girl Gone” by CHINCHILLA

That last one I listened to on repeat for a while, kind of just lost in the feel of the music, my body reacting to the rage.

Honestly I thought I was past the rage stage in my life. However, every day there is a new headline about book bans, voting rights limitations, and anti-trans and LGBTQ+ legislation. There is so much hate being spewed in the guise of ‘protecting the children’. But the significant uptick in gun violence and lack of legislation limiting access to guns totally proves that they are blatantly lying.

The ever increasingly rapid slide into fascism that this country is experiencing is terrifying and when I’m afraid I tend to get angry because I hate feeling scared and helpless and out of control. Anger can be such a destructive force, especially if directed inward, but if properly channeled, it can be a powerful force for good. If you can find an outlet for it, a way to direct it.

I am angry right now, like feel it deep inside my body. The rage needs to be released, but I haven’t really found my outlet yet. Listening and moving to that song over and over again released some of that rage. It was very cathartic.

It also just felt good to move. That last bout of flu really hit me hard. It has been a real struggle to just walk across the room without triggering a coughing fit and I still tire easily. Actually dancing felt like a miracle.

How amazing it would have been to scream out the words too, but since it was approaching midnight, I’m pretty sure my mother would not have been happy with me. Might have been totally worth it though.