Author: Angel Beldam

Also known as Ace. This is my imaginary me, the heroine in so many of the stories I told myself throughout the years. I’ve acted out those stories in my head and sometimes out loud, much to the consternation of my mother who told me to stop talking to myself.

Ace has been an NHL goalie, an MLB pitcher, a spy, a superhero, a pirate, an astronaut, many spaceship captains, a detective, an adventuress, Xena’s newest BFF, and Hercules’ stronger sister. She has time travelled through the universe as the Doctor’s companion and robbed a train as a member of the Serenity’s crew.

I honestly can’t remember all of her various incarnations. But she has led incredible lives and there is nothing she can’t do.

There were years when she was my only companion as I was never much good at making friends. She dimmed somewhat when I met the girl who would be my BFF from 8^th grade through high school graduation. Having an actual friend didn’t leave as much room for Ace, but she never went completely away.

Lately she’s been knocking on my door, and I think one of these days maybe I’ll write an adventure series just for her. In my head she is still a young adult, just barely in her 20s. I could do a YA series maybe. Though I kind of want her to be a fully realized 55-year-old badass dyke saving the world.

So many possibilities. Maybe I just need her to stay in the realm of possibility as my muse to churn up new story ideas.

Whatever happens to her, I hope you will all appreciate how lucky you all are. I’ve never shared her with anyone in the world before. This is her debut. If you end up meeting her someday, please be kind and tell her I said hello.

All of my therapists have been women except one and he was gay. That makes it sound like I’m a nut job but not all of my therapist were licensed in mental health. I have also had massage therapists and even a spiritual sex therapist. Though it could easily be argued that all of them had a positive impact on my mental health.

My first therapist got me through my son’s brush with the law, my divorce, and my dad’s death. She helped put me on the path toward my Buddhist practice and also recommended massage therapy as a means of reducing my stress.

My first massage therapist was through Kaiser, and she convinced me that regular sessions were essential for both physical and mental health. When Kaiser stopped the massage program, she went out on her own and I followed her.

We became friends and I was so sad when she moved on to bigger and better things. Well sad for me, happy for her. I spent a lot of time on her table over the course of seven years. She knew of my shift in spiritual practice and my being on the verge of coming out. One of the last things she did for me was recommend Tantric healing.

I was intrigued. I did some research and found a Dakini (not a brand of clothing) who hadn’t had any female clients since she first learned her practice. Tantra is all about balancing masculine and feminine energy to find the spiritual bliss in union. It is traditionally very binary, but she was not so traditional and believed that both energies were contained in every body.

Through her I learned how to be comfortable in my naked body in the presence of another naked body. What she does is legally considered sex work, but the experience for me was spiritual not sexual. She helped me work through shame better than any other person ever has. She helped me let go of the shame about how my body looked, about my desire for women, and about desire in general. She helped me to feel connected to my feminine energy which I had been denying and suppressing for most of my life.

My current massage therapist is an interesting mix of new age and traditional. She has been very welcoming of me though she has some rather conservative views on certain subjects. Views that I think she has never really questioned. However, she’s been very open to my challenges of some of those views, which has been quite refreshing.  

My current mental health therapist gears her practice toward queer patients and has been a great help in navigating my new life while also helping me deal with the inner layers of my childhood and religious trauma.

I realize that I have spent a great deal of money throughout the years and sometimes that patronizing capitalistic patriarchal voice (that sounds a lot like my dad) will say what a waste. But I am deeply grateful that I’ve been able to afford to support these women’s livelihoods while they have helped me.

If you know who this woman is, send me a DM because we need to connect or catch up.

This amazing human being is not famous and has no social media presence. When I googled her I got a possible address in Georgia, which I know is where she’s originally from, and an online guestbook comment for a funeral.

If she knew I had googled her she’d probably be appalled and no doubt she’d scold me.

The last time I saw her she was MSgt. McCalla. I know she’s retired now but I’m fairly certain I would still call her that. Not because she would demand it but because I have so much respect for the person she was when she was a part of my life.

MSgt. McCalla was my second ever female boss, and I dreaded working with her for two reasons. The first was because my first female boss was a total nightmare. One of the worst bosses I’ve ever had even all these years later.

Second, MSgt. McCalla had a reputation for being strict and mean, a real ball buster. I should’ve known that with the title of ball buster, that she wasn’t anything like that. Or rather she was but only if you were as stupid entitled white man who thought you could put her in her place.

She was no-nonsense and strict. She was also smart, driven, and tough as nails but always feminine, polite, politic, and professional. She was the first person who said to me that as a woman I would have to work twice as hard to be considered half as good.

She could have easily iced me out because I was white, but when a black female coworker gave me grief, MSgt. McCalla told us both that as women in the military we already had enough enemies. We needed to build on what we had in common to support each other not tear each other down.

That coworker and I were so much alike and way too competitive to ever really like each other, but we always put up a united front when confronting the Good Ole Boy network. I will forever be grateful to Yolanda McCalla for the lessons I learned while working for her.

I know this is a fictional character but she, as played by Lynda Carter, had a huge influence on me as a preteen girl–not all of it positive.

I loved watching that show because even back then I loved Superhero stories. Here was a woman who could do amazing things. I remember being frustrated though by how stupid people were who couldn’t see through her disguise and, more subtly, why she always had to defer to the men as Diana.  It wasn’t until I was older that I realized that even as Wonder Woman she often deferred to the men. It just wasn’t as blatantly obvious.

My irritation with that though didn’t stop me from watching because I loved following her adventures. As I did with the Bionic Woman, who was almost as cool, but not quite. I’ve only recently realized it was because Jaime Sommers didn’t have that amazing costume and, you know, like boobs. I’m still a fan of the costume and no longer confused why.

The thing is, this could very easily be the point where I started hating my body and being very unhappy with who I was. It was so subtle and never conscious though so I can’t be sure. Seeing Lynda Carter on that screen and already knowing I was never going to look like that did some damage that I’m still unpacking.

Despite that, I still love Superheroes.  Carol Danvers and the women in the Marvel universe are more my style, but Gal Godot’s Wonder Women is still pretty cool.

One of the most interesting things about Wonder Woman is who her creator based her on. If you’re interested in finding out, I recommend the book written by Jill Lepore called “The Secret History of Wonder Woman.” I believe there’s a movie out about it too, but you know I’ll always recommend the book.

I didn’t discover jazz until I was in my twenties. My brother-in-law is a jazz trumpet player and just as talented a musician as his brother, my ex-husband, though arguably more successful.

When I was stationed in Italy the brother-in-law came on tour with his band and it was my first real introduction to jazz. I found I liked the trumpet, and I loved the saxophone, but it was the ensemble I truly adored, especially live when you can see them riff off each other.

Not a lot of jazz available to watch live on an Italian Air Force base or on my next assignment in Enid, Oklahoma. So I listened to Miles Davis and John Coltrane cassettes. I soon discovered Etta James, Nina Simone, Ella Fitzgerald, and Billie Holiday.

To this day I have never heard anyone sing Summertime better than Billie Holiday. You all can argue all you want but her version is the best, hands down. When I’m in the mood to wallow, I will listen to Gloomy Sunday on repeat. On the rare occasions when I cook my signature pasta dish, I will have a glass of wine and let Billie’s beautiful voice play.

It wasn’t until I was much older that I discovered “Strange Fruit”, her protest song about lynchings. It is haunting and beautiful and awful and uncomfortable.

I also learned that she was a bisexual and apparently had a torrid affair with Tallulah Bankhead in the 1940s. However, her biographer was not allowed to put that in the book. Despite knowing that, I still have that book, “Lady Sings the Blues”, in my TBR. I also have plans to one day, in my spare time, watch “The United States vs Billie Holliday.”

If you’ve never heard her sing, something I find unfathomable, you are missing out on something really special. Start with Summertime.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYUqbnk7tCY

I Love Rock ‘n Roll

I Hate Myself for Loving You

Crimson and Clover

Bad Reputation

Cherry Bomb (To this day when I hear this song I shout out the words)

When I look back to my youth to see if there were signs of my gayness, I can honestly say Joan Jett was my first girl crush. I can admit now that what I felt was more than admiration though I didn’t have words for it at the time.

Back then I was hanging around my boyfriend’s garage band. They were very good at covering the great hair bands of the 80s.  I secretly wished I could do what they were doing, and I knew just who I’d emulate. In a genre dominated by men, I felt drawn to Joan Jett.

The thrill of watching her on MTV (you know when they actually showed music videos) was different than watching other videos. There were others that I admired as well: Lita Ford, Pat Benatar, even Chrissy Hynde. Their music was amazing and inspiring too, but something about Joan Jett just fascinated me.

I loved how she looked and moved when she was performing. I loved how she sounded both when she talked and sang. She was dark, defiant, loud, unapologetic, confident, and driven.

I found out years later that she is also queer, either lesbian or bisexual, which specifically is unknown because she still refuses to ‘officially’ acknowledge it to this day saying its nobody’s damn business and that even the speculation detracts from her art. She was a true artist and a total badass.

I never got to see her in concert, but I understand she is still performing so maybe there is a chance. That would be so amazing!

Like many girls who started listening to music in the 70s and came of age in the 80s, I revered Stevie Nicks. Her unapologetic magical witchy vibe was impossible to resist. Especially since my father disapproved.  

Her voice was haunting, and I remember wishing I could sing like her. When I met my now ex-husband, my taste is music became heavier (thus more offensive to my dad) and I sort of lost track of my love for all things Stevie.

Years later, shortly before my marriage fell apart a friend asked if I’d ever seen “Practical Magic”. I had not, so I watched with my friends and loved the movie, but even more, I heard Stevie again and thought I’ve missed listening her.

Cue the divorce. For 20 plus years, my life had revolved around his music, his band, his practices, and his performances. So I pretty much stopped listening to any music at all. It was just too painful for a very long time.

I started slowly listening to music again after I came out and start dating women. I was between relationships when I had the chance to go to a candlelit concert of Fleetwood Mac. You know the ones where a string quartet or duet play tribute to some of the greatest musicians and singers of our time. My friend and I got to attend and it was amazing. I knew so many songs.

It was nice listening to music again, but it wasn’t until Tennessee that I really started reconnecting with music again.

Thank goodness for my subscription to a streaming service (I will not name it because I hate that I use it, but I can’t cancel because I have the family version and my mother listens every day.) Since I do have it, I’ve subscribed to both Fleetwood Mac and Stevie and I love listening again. When I’m not discovering new (to me) artists that is.

I first discovered Anne McCaffrey when I was stationed in Italy. She was introduced to me by a fellow book addict when we were squeezed into our tiny base library.

She, the book addict, saw me looking at the meager selection of sci-fi books and told me that the book I had in my hand was a fabulous book but that it was not the first in the series. She offered to lend me her copy and said if I liked it she had the others as well.

The next day I began my love affair with Anne McCaffery. I devoured “Dragon Fight”, the first novel of the “Dragonriders of Pern” series. She won a Hugo award for this novel, making her the first woman to win that award. She was also the first women to win a Nebula award. Both awards are for best science fiction/fantasy writing, a genre that is still dominated by male writers.

While I loved the Dragons and the Brain and Brawn Ships, my two favorite series are the “Crystal Singer” trilogy and the five books about the Rowan and her descendants. (The Tower & Hive) I have reread “The Rowan” many times. Her story of overcoming her loss and fear while discovering her true power is so compelling.

I recently ran across the first book of another series she wrote titled ‘Acorna” which she co-authored with Margaret Ball and Elizabeth Ann Scarborough. I was excited to see that there are 10 books in the serious and I hope I am able to find them all.

I haven’t read everything she’s written, but everything I’ve read is so well written with strong, smart, and brave female characters. Even if science fiction and fantasy aren’t your favorite genre I would highly recommend trying one of her novels. You might be pleasantly surprised how good the story is despite the genre.

It feels like I’ve always loved mysteries. When I was a kid I read all the Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, Trixie Belden, and Encyclopedia Brown books. I even loved watching Scooby Doo. When I got older I watched Perry Mason and read Sherlock Holmes.

But then I discovered Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple. I have no idea how old I was when I first read my first Miss Marple, nor can I even remember if the first Agatha Christie book was even a Miss Marple book. But I can tell you I truly do believe that every female mystery writer and reader owes a huge debt to Agatha.

She lived an interesting life some of which is also shrouded in its own mystery. The are several books that speculate about what happened to Agatha when she disappeared for 11 days at the end of her first marriage. My two favorites which “explain” what happened to her are “The Mystery of Mrs. Christie” by Marie Benedict and “The Unicorn and the Wasp” Doctor Who: season 4, Episode 7.

Mrs. Christie has the distinction of being the best-selling fiction writer of all time according to Guinness World Records. Not bestselling female author mind you, but bestselling fiction writer of all time.

One of these days my goal is to try and write a murder mystery, though I find writing sci-fi much more satisfying. So perhaps I’ll combine the genres á la Nora Roberts as JD Robb. Now that I’m older I like the idea of writing a much-updated Miss Marple who is just as insightful, but who lived a much more fulfilling life.

Though I suppose living a full and busy life doesn’t leave much time for the intensive observations Miss Marple was able to make throughout her life.

Oh well, it might be fun to try.

Tomorrow I leave for a week with Tennessee. I can’t wait to see her. This has been a long two weeks.

While I’m there we’re going to each work our normal schedules to see what it looks and feels like. Since its only a week it won’t be a real test but it should give us a glimpse of what a life together pre-retirement might be like.

I really don’t want to lug two laptops and all the cords just for a week so I am only taking my work computer. This means I won’t be posting freshly written blogs while I’m gone, but I have figured out how to schedule posts for future drops.

In light of Women’s History month, I’ve been writing entries about women who have in some way impacted and influenced my life and one will drop each day. Chances are pretty good you will have heard of many of them but even so maybe you will learn something new about them.

I will still be writing while I’m away but I’ll be working on preparing for my Camp NaNoWriMo project for the month of April.

My flight tomorrow leaves very early so if the scheduled drop happens, we’ll be good to go. If not then, I’ll let you all know when I land that there won’t be any posts for a week. Fingers crossed that it works.

Hare a great day and I hope you enjoy the posts. Be well my friends.