Author: Angel Beldam

I have no NaNo progress to report. Instead, I want to talk about some of the photos that being passed around social media right now. They aren’t actually photos. They are AI generated renditions of political villains in drag.

Leaving behind the problematic issues of AI generated art behind for a moment, these images are astonishing. They are also repulsive.  And I’m not even sure what repels me most about them.

Is it because they make such ugly women? Their diva qualities shine through, but nothing about them is attractive, though the outfits are stunning. I’m not the best judge of what makes men attractive, but these are ugly men. Not by any arbitrary beauty standard, but because of the hate and violence they praise and inspire.

Is it because these images were created to humiliate and degrade these men? These are men who, on a daily basis, humiliate and degrade the dignity of women, black and brown people, and LGBTQ folks. There are many who say turnabout is fair play.

But is it? One of the things I miss the most about the Obama era is Michelle Obama’s catch phrase, “When they go low we go high”. 

The world seems to have changed dramatically since then though. The violence, hatred, and bigotry was still more closeted then. Now it is bold and aggressive, and many feel it needs to be fought the same way. I don’t know that they are wrong.

I do know that these images did not initially repel me, that came later after thought and contemplation. Like most people I laughed and shared the images.  But now I’m regretting that. There might even be shame. I’m not sure I want to be the person who gleefully humiliates another human, no matter how terrible that human is.

Are you ever grateful for a Monday morning? Me neither but the sun is shining, and it looks to be a gorgeous spring day and it seems I’m past the worst of this bug, so I’ll welcome this Monday.

I feel a little sorry for Mondays. I mean it’s not their fault they are the start of official work week. Capitalism and the Patriarchy are to blame for that.

Mondays are actually associated with the moon which is about rest is it not? Okay maybe that’s a stretch, but I think I’m on to something here.

The moon is also associated with feminine energy which is constantly at war over the attempted suppression of its power. Mondays should be a day of rest where we revel in the power of the divine feminine.

What wonders could we have to look forward to if Mondays were allowed to be a day of its highest potential? Maybe someday after I retire I’ll see if I can capture some of that.

But until then it’s poor Monday and poor us. Sadly, it’s time that I get started with my workday.

Be well my friends.

Have you ever used all of your energy just to get in the shower and start crying because you’re not sure you have the strength for anything else, but you focus on just washing your hair and then manage to find enough to at least get the critical parts clean? This was my morning.

What action did I do that used up all my energy prior to the shower? I stripped the sheets off my sick bed. That’s it.

I hate being sick. Not that anybody likes it, but for me it’s more than just an inconvenience. It’s another brutal reminder that I have an abnormal immune system. Of the two places where I likely caught this bug, I was with two people who never even got so much as a sneeze whereas I’ve been fighting a fever for five days.

It’s hard to find positivity when I’m feeling like this which is a shame because it’s a really nice day outside. I was supposed to be at brunch with friends celebrating the birthday of one of them and it’s only one of the many events I’ve had to miss out on because of my immune issues.

Some days it feels so overwhelming, and I wish I could just give up. But since that’s not an option I just cry and feel sorry for myself for a bit and then do what I can and try to cut myself some slack. At least after some food and a bit of rest I have enough energy to write this, though not enough for my NaNo project which will just have to wait.

I know I’ll be better soon, but this does wear on you. For all those who struggle with chronic anything–I see you. I feel you. Hang in there.

Had a productive NaNo editing session after my nap yesterday so I’m back on track toward my goal. Feeling better today though I know this cough is going to be an issue for a while. I’m also feeling better about some of the decisions I’ve made recently.

Do you ever find yourself making or delaying a decision out of fear?

I do it all the time. Still. All the work I’ve done on myself over the years and I’m still allowing fear to dictate my life. This realization made me angry, which is such a powerful emotion but also not a great one for making rational decisions.

After processing through that I found myself in defiance mode and allowing the contrariness of my nature shine through. Like many people, the more you tell me I can’t do something the more I want to. Also, not the best mode for decision making.

However, all of that anger, defiance, and contrariness is great for powering me past my fear to a rational decision about what’s best for me.

I sometimes wish I could be the type of person who just goes with their gut right away and never regrets it. That’s just not who I am. Though it is interesting how often after all that agonizing and worry and soul twisting I do, and I wind up making the same decision my gut made at the beginning. Almost always in fact when I manage to overcome my fear.

I truly believe I am who I’m supposed to be right here and now, but I often wonder who I could’ve been if I hadn’t let fear dictate so many of my decisions.

Best not to dwell on that.

Happy Friday y’all.

Still sick but Dayquil is a magical elixir. No writing or editing yesterday and probably not much today. I have another half day of training I need to survive this morning then I’m going back to bed. I’m going to be behind again on my goal, but hopefully will be able to catch up this weekend.

I had a therapy appointment (phone) after a brief nap and had a bit of an epiphany yesterday. I’ll need to process it for a little while, but I think I’ve definitely resolved some issues. Just to be sure it wasn’t a fever induced illusion, I’m going to do some meditation then a tarot reading to get additional clarification but I’m feeling pretty good about it.

Well as good as I can with a fever and a cough. The progression of this bug seems to be moving faster through my system than usual though so I’m hoping I’ll feel better by Sunday. I have an important event that day I really don’t want to miss.

Take care of yourselves my friends.

I came down with a bug late yesterday afternoon and feel awful.

I only got a couple hundred words edited and there will likely be no progress today, unless I feel better this afternoon.

This is all I have this morning. Take care of yourselves.

Media Circus Day

I’m trying not to be too gleeful and manage my expectations. After all, an indictment is not a conviction and there’s a reason they call him Teflon Don. Besides I have to be very careful about what I say and frankly he is not worth all that space in my head.

So on to more important things.

I got to see my kid yesterday. He came to do his taxes. He looks so much calmer and relaxed than he’s been in the most recent past. Considering how strongly the smell of weed was on him, I might could guess why. Because both his jobs are driving jobs, I worry. He has assured me that most of that smell is from secondhand smoke and he’s an adult living on his own so it’s none of my business, but that doesn’t stop the worry.

My NaNo project is coming along, though I only managed a few hundred words yesterday. Not only did I have less time to work on it, but also I ran into another problem point in the story. There are not enough sexual tension buildup scenes and I hit a spot where my main characters have the perfect opportunity for an interaction that I didn’t take advantage of the first two times. Sex scenes and even flirting scenes are not as easy as other action scenes, at least not for me. All those years of being repressed perhaps. Anyway today my goal is to fix that scene.

Finally, today is Tuesday so that means Trivia tonight. Except there’s snow and it’s really cold so I might end up missing another week and I’m seriously not happy about that. Fingers crossed that the weather cooperates because I miss hanging out with my friends.

Exceptional Nano Day 2–I completed double my word count goal, but more important, I finally finished the chapter that has been the reason for my being stuck for so long! Such a relief to be able to move on from that.

Other good things about my Sunday include:

Finishing all but two tasks–I prioritized them off the list for a later completion time.

Watching the Alaska Daily season finale—it was such a good season and I hope there’s another next year.

Watching the NCAA Women’s championship game–it was a really good game despite the refs.

Banter with Tennessee that we had to move off a group chat–it was getting too spicy.

Spent some time outside so I got to enjoy the gorgeous weather–hello spring!

I’m writing this during an early morning zoom session with other sapphic writers, so I did manage to get up at 5:30 a.m. but it was a real struggle to get my brain awake. My goal is to do this every weekday morning before my day job to work on my Nano project. Committing to this for the entire month is a birthday present for myself.

I’m still not sleeping enough but at least the sleep I am getting is finally good. It is not an ideal situation but it’s better than before, which is good because I have another busy week coming with meetings and continuing professional training courses.

I have no profound words of wisdom or question to ponder today which perhaps is a good thing as Mondays generally have their own issues. Now tomorrow has the potential to be a very good day. I wonder if they’ll release the mug shots. I generally don’t participate in schadenfreude as it has some definite karmic repercussions, but I’m going to make an exception in this case.

For now though it’s time to get to work. Have a great day my friends.

Yesterday I exceeded my editing goal by 300 words. I also managed to get half the tasks on my to do list done. Since it’s a weekend list, half on Saturday makes me a total success for the first day of camp. Did I do each task perfectly? Nope. Is that okay? Yep.

Had a conversation with someone I love very much who was worried about how they seem to be half-assing everything. I tried to assure them that something done half-ass is still done and that’s better than not done.

Why are we always so hard on ourselves? I do the same thing all the time. I get down on myself for half-assing stuff. But I try to remind myself that its progress not perfection.

Is the fact that I only managed to pick up the dirty clothes off my floor and put them in the hamper a reason to say but I didn’t make my bed so therefore my attempt to clean my room is a failure? No. My room is now cleaner than it was.

Baby steps are still steps. We have to start being kinder to ourselves.

Okay, I’m off my soap box for now. I still have the other half of my tasks to go get at least half-assed done. Probably though I should not half-ass mom’s taxes, that might be a problem later, but the rest of my tasks I’m not going to stress about.

And for those wondering…half-assing IS a word. It is the gerund or present participle form of half-ass, which is also a word. Google it.

Be well my friends.

For those who don’t know, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month. This takes place in the month of November every year. In 2021, I completed my first novel during this event, but I have been in edit mode of said novel since then. I am currently working on the third draft but have gotten stuck.

Each year in additional to the full-fledged push of November, the NaNoWriMo folks also host ‘camps’ during the months of April and July, where the focus is on smaller projects, like editing your book.

My goal for this camp is to finish the third draft. I have approximately 30,000 words left to review in 30 days. Totally doable. My plan had been to meet online into my writer buddies at 530 am this morning to kick off the month.

So, that didn’t happen.

I slept late this morning because I was out late last night with a friend watching the final four women’s basketball games. The restaurant/sports bar we were at was like Hooters on kinky steroids. I felt a bit like a teenage boy, but also because the waitresses were so dang young, I also felt like a dirty old man. The food was decent and both games were very good. We even got to watch a women’s MMA match. More importantly though, I got to hang out with my friend, and I definitely needed that.

When I got home I “confessed” to Tennessee. I will be getting teased for weeks and I find I don’t mind one little bit. I miss her terribly and I was overwhelmed with it this past week.  I’m learning to sit with it and its settling down to a tolerable ache…mostly.

My daily to do list has doubled with mom being off her feet and my work schedule was busier than usual this week. And to top it off I haven’t slept well since getting back from Tennessee. It was all just too much.

But getting out of the house and out of my head, just hanging out with my friend and sharing some of my angst with them really helped me feel better. I even had an almost decent night’s sleep last night.

This morning I am feeling more centered. My to do list is still extensive and I still miss Tennessee fiercely, but I can finally function again. Which is good because those tasks aren’t going to complete themselves.

Be well my friends.