Xs and Os

I slept around a bit in high school mostly with adult men way too old for me, but I only had two serious relationships and I married and had a child with one of them. My son’s father and I were married for 21 years before he made a cliche out of me and cheated. All these years and a ton of work and that still pisses me off sometimes.

It then took eight years to get myself in a place where I actually liked myself and was alright with being on my own. I felt I had become a person who could be part of a healthy couple.

After an awful first foray into dating women. I found her. The woman of my dreams. I fell so hard and we were together for two years. I thought she was the one. Sadly that turned out not to be the case and we broke up earlier this year when she ‘let me go’ to find someone who was more compatible with my sexual needs and because she had once again lost herself to someone else’s needs and wants.  

She broke my heart. It devasted me in ways the divorce didn’t or couldn’t because I had finally truly fallen in love, mind, body, and soul. I’m still not convinced she wasn’t my one, but since she believes I wasn’t hers, I have no choice, but to move on.

The next woman I dated deserved better, but as soon as I realized she was not ever going to be my person I tried to be gentle, and I’ll always regret hurting her.

I reflected carefully before I started dating again. Was it too soon? I had done so much work to be a better person, to learn to live in the present and feel my feelings; that good communication is vital. So I jumped in again, ever hopeful.

I met a woman through a friend of a friend. We had so many things in common, and I was starting to fall again, but she too ‘let me go’. She wasn’t comfortable moving into a serious relationship, and she couldn’t give me what I needed sexually either. One of the things this latest ex pointed out while we were dating is that I talk a lot about my exes. So I guess I really do have more work to do.

I’m not giving up hope that my person is out there, but I can’t help thinking something is wrong with me in that both these women brought up my being too much sexually. My sex life was practically non-existent with my ex-husband, and I thought it was me. It only took that very first time with a woman to show me what I’d been missing. It was life changing. A gift from the heavens to feel that good. Who wouldn’t want to feel that way, to make up for all those years of missing out, especially as I’m in menopause and I have no idea how long my libido is going to last? Besides isn’t a healthy sex life good for a healthy relationship?

I work full-time, write poetry and fiction part-time, and hang out with my friends, so it’s not like I’m wanting to be in the sack 24/7. I am worthy of being loved in the way I know I am capable of loving someone. I’ll stay open and hopeful that someday I’ll meet her.

Be well my friends.