Some of you may have noticed that the last couple of days have been really hard. I’ve been feeling lots of fear and anxiety and I’ve sort of been wallowing in it.
But this morning when I woke up I had a bit of an epiphany. It’s not my feelings I have been wallowing in. I have been internalizing the fear and anxiety of my mom and my nibbling. They are both going through significant stuff right now.
Acknowledging that in writing just now and taking a couple of deep breaths, I feel lighter already. What a relief or is it release? Both, in this case I should think.
Don’t get me wrong, I have my own fears and anxiety but the weight of what I was feeling has so heavy that I should have realized it was not all mine. I’m not sure why it took me so long to process it but I’m really glad I finally did because it was literally paralyzing me, preventing me from taking care of many of the things on my to do list which in turn caused more anxiety.
Obviously, since this procrastination thing is a problem anyway, adding someone else’s angst to my own is a recipe for disaster. I now have less than 48 hours before I’m going to be on jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again. Just kidding. Those lyrics just popped into my head, and it made me giggle. I really am feeling so much lighter and even though I have so few hours left to get everything done, it no longer feels so daunting or oppressive.
I had a friend tell me once she thought I was an empath and I think she might be right. I think I need to explore this idea in light of what has just happened. I can’t be internalizing the negative feelings of others. I have enough of my own baggage weighing me down. But for now I ‘m delighted to let go of that weight and just go take care of business.
It’s going to be a busy couple days.
Be well my friends.
Baby Gay When You're Fat and Gray 