Author: Angel Beldam

A blank page is sometimes exciting and sometimes dreadful. Yesterday it was dreadful, so I bypassed it to get a bit of work done before my early morning meeting. It took two cups of coffee and a toasted PB & J to get me close to functioning and it was a struggle all day.

Despite all that though my day drastically improved when my request to work from Tennessee’s house for three months was approved.

Until that went through, various tasks couldn’t be done but now we can move forward. I was reluctant to do too much until I knew for sure it was approved because, well I know I can trust my immediate supervisor, but she doesn’t have the final say and I’m just not nearly as confident in those further up the chain.

Murphy’s law is a familiar foe in my life, and, despite significant manifesting, it loves to pop up at the worst possible times. I’ve done a lot of work around not waiting for the other shoe to drop or for Murphy to appear. Living in the moment is the only way to avoid that feeling but that is difficult to do when trying to plan a huge life event, let alone two.

So now that we’re past this first major hurdle, I can worry less. Until I got the approval, I wasn’t aware of how worried I really was. Like not realizing you are holding your breath until someone says “breathe” or you pass out.

I was hoping that this releasing of my metaphoric breath would let me get some sleep last night. I did sleep well once I fell asleep, but it took a while. Truth be told I haven’t really slept well since Tennessee left.  I could really use a good night’s sleep. Soon.

In the meantime, I’m wishing you all a happy first day of Pride Month. Be well and stay safe my friends.

I had plans to write about my weekend BBQ with my friends this morning, but I woke up really late and have to sign in for work shortly.

So I’ll just say that I laughed a lot and the food was amazing and it was so gratifying to be with so many of my friends. I’m not sure how many times I teared up during the day knowing that I don’t have many of these days left with these wonderful people. I will miss them all so much.

Yesterday, I packed my first box and started the first bout of purging those things that will not be coming with me and truly no longer need to be cluttering up here either. I’ve begun to make arrangements for friends to take some of the things that are still treasured but just don’t fit into my new adventure.

It’s a bittersweet time for me right now. I am so very excited to start my life with my fiancé (that is so cool to write!), but extracting myself from my life here in Colorado is proving to be almost as hard as I feared it would be.

Please be patient with me as the next few weeks may find me in a place where I just don’t have the energy or bandwidth for posts.

Take care of yourselves, my friends.

I am not the holder of the rights to any of the stories of those names I know who did not make it back. So today I want to remember my uncle, Byron “Smitty” Smith.

Tomorrow would have been my Uncle Byron’s 95th birthday. As far as I know he and I are the only U.S. veterans in my family, though to be honest, I’m not all that close with either side of my family.

After I completed my technical school training to be a Financial Services Specialist in the U.S. Air Force, I visited my uncle in his hometown of Texhoma, Texas, on my way back to Colorado. I hadn’t seen him or my aunt since I was little.  I remember she made fried okra and he and I talked for hours.  I mostly just listened.

He told me the tale of his joining the Army Air Corps when he was 17 at the tail end of War II.

I was still very new to being in uniform, but I remember being fascinated by how little had changed since he served. A truth born out even further as I, not long after our visit, served during Desert Storm.

I regret not having spent more time with him but I’m grateful we had that time to bond at a level I never have with any other blood-related family member.

Wishing you all a safe and meaningful Memorial Day.

Quote

“Humans still have a tendency to think that good is always pretty and that evil is always ugly. I’ve found that it’s so often the other way around.” – Laurell K. Hamilton

Weekly Tarot Reading

“What does the week hold for me and where should I put my focus?”

Card Pulled: Reversed Justice

Guess I’ll start either the library audiobook “Hood Feminism” by Mikki Kendall or the paper back that just arrived “White Women” by Regina Jackson and Saira Rao

Fangirling

The GCLS Conference schedule came out this week. I can’t believe I will be attending and sitting in the same rooms as some of my favorite authors! Detective Kate Delafield author Katherine V. Forrest will be there serving on a panel called “Who Done It Better? Cozies v Procedurals”. A whole hour listening to a debate on lesbian murder mysteries by the authors themselves. It doesn’t get any better than that!

Newsletter I recently subscribed to:

https://showmeyourmask.substack.com/

The author is an Indigenous creator I discovered on TikTok. I don’t know nearly enough about the topics they discuss. I’m looking forward to learning.

Things that make you go hmm:

So the LA Dodgers made news awhile back when they rescinded an invite to The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence (drag performers) to a Pride Night at the ballpark due to backlash from Catholics. They have since apologized and The Sisters are back. However, today a headline that I just received reads: Dodgers announce, “Christian Faith and Family Day”. Really?

My First Goodbye

I had my last appointment with my massage therapist on Friday. Great massage as usual. Hugs and sad goodbye.

I’m the Cat

One final observation: Cherry Chapstick makes life better.

Have a great week my friends.

I’ve talked about my love of poetry before so I’m going to start posting poetry on Saturdays. Sometimes it’ll be mine like today, and others will be those I encounter that move me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Crave You

Too many miles between us –

might as well be a galaxy.

Too many hours till I see you –

might as well be a century.

My heartstrings are too taut.

They will not break if I can just

make time move faster.

So I fill my days with busyness,

but the longing does not fade and as

I lay my head on my pillow, exhausted,

I crave you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I always welcome feedback on my art. Please be kind.

With the approaching holiday I’d like to bring up something that I and many other veterans struggle with each year.

Memorial Day is not the day to thank me or any veteran for their service.

Memorial Day is for those who died while serving their country, not those still alive.

We have our own day for that, Veterans Day.  Not that we don’t appreciate being thanked. We do. Many vets, however, get frustrated that so many people have forgotten or never learned the true meaning of Memorial Day.

I have a complicated relationship with the Military Industrial Complex, and I totally understand and respect those who are working to tear it down and dismantle it. But in the hatred and rhetoric of protests, the very real humans who served in uniform, either voluntarily or were drafted and who lost their lives, often get forgotten.

For many who served, it was the only way to escape poverty or abuse. It was the only way to have a shot at a better life for themselves and their families. So even if you disagree with the politics of our war machine please don’t disrespect those who died in service to the ideals of this country.

You don’t have to go to the parade or visit the cemetery or do anything actively to show respect. Just don’t spew hatred or disrespect on social media. That is not too much to ask right?

A moment of silence and/or a toast during your BBQ wouldn’t go amiss either.

And FFS don’t say “Happy Memorial Day”.

“Wishing you a beautiful or meaningful or blessed Memorial Day” is better.

As for me I say: To all my fallen comrades, I remember you and your sacrifice.

There are hundreds, maybe thousands, of tributes all over the news and social media about the life of this amazing artist and woman. I grew up listening to and loving her music and her story of survival and success are inspiring.

That we have anything at all in common is wild to me, but I do get to claim more than humanity and being a woman. She and I practiced Nichiren Buddhism.

If you know anything about her story, you know that she credits her faith for being able to leave Ike. She said it saved her life. I didn’t have an Ike, but I did escape a life that was killing me even though I didn’t recognize it as such at the time.

Through my Buddhist practice I discovered me and while I’m not the most faithful practitioner, I continue to learn and try to internalize many tenets of Buddhism.

–We, each of us, are already a Buddha so we must treat ourselves and each with respect and dignity.

–We are all connected through the power and energy that flows through the universe so what we do to one we do to all.

–Since we are all connected through the universe, we can tap into that power to change ourselves for the better.

–When we change, those around us are impacted by this change and this ripples through the universe one being at a time.

Tina Turner touched so many people’s lives through her music and her life and she will be missed. Maybe in our next life I’ll be fortunate enough to meet the bodhisattva she will be.

As the date for what likely will be my move date rapidly approaches I find myself wishing that everything will be easy and go smoothly. I have so many things to do to get ready that I do not want any drama in my life.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like a teenager again since coming out. Sometimes it is in the fun, I’m a horny 14-year-old boy who has discovered boobs, kind of way. But sometimes it’s in the, one of my friends doesn’t like what another one of my friends has done and I accidentally do something to upset that one because I wasn’t aware there was a problem, kind of way.

A TikTok creator I follow hates the term baby gay and prefers feral fruit. This ties into the boobs aspect I was referring to. But she is ignoring the other aspects of coming out late in life and one of those is learning to live in a community of women who handle their emotions differently than men. Or maybe she’s not. Maybe it’s just me.

Regardless I find myself in the position of having to figure out how to “fix” an issue I inadvertently created when I have so much already to do and no leftover energy to do it.

I’m already struggling with the grief of losing immediate access and close proximity to this group of amazing humans. Why can’t they just get along until I leave and then they can fall apart because they didn’t know I was the glue holding them together?

Okay that last bit is ridiculous, but my stress has me feeling like a little hyperbole is warranted.

I want nothing more than to pretend this is not a thing and get on with my ten page to do list that I fear is missing many important things. However, I love and respect this person who is upset so that won’t work and besides that is not the person I am. I used to be, but not anymore.

Time for some meditation and maybe the Universe will reveal a solution. Might be I need to do a tarot reading too. Hopefully, something will come to me.

Please be kind to each other my friends.

Yesterday I took my mother grocery shopping. She did not want to do delivery anymore and I hate grocery shopping, so she wanted to go wander up and down the aisles by herself. She said I could just drop her off and come back and get her but not even I am that bad of a daughter.

So we compromised I would sit at the front of the store in the Starbucks where I’d be close by if she needed help because she overestimated her stamina walking around in that boot while using the shopping cart as a walker.

In the hour I sat drinking tea in that Starbucks while I waited for mom to assert her stubbornness, I mean independence, I heard three different distinct languages that weren’t English. It’s been awhile since that has happened to me in a place other than the airport.

I was “officially” working on a writing project, but I had a great vantage point for observation, so that is what I mostly did. Keeping an eye on my phone in case mom texted or called for help, I continued to listen and watch people.

I love people watching–I always have. I often wonder what people’s stories are and sometimes make up stories for them. Some of the stories are fantastical and impossibly unlikely but mostly I try to choose a story that fits what I’m seeing. (I read somewhere that good writers are people watchers because that is the best way to create realistic characters…so maybe someday.)

During that hour I saw a beautiful spectrum of cultures and ethnicities. Who knew that by avoiding the grocery store whenever possible that I was missing out on such a grand opportunity to observe the amazing differences in our shared humanity?

I live in one of the most diverse cities in Colorado. And while that can lead to violence and crime sometimes, it also encompasses hope and acceptance. It requires people to confront and acknowledge the vast amount of variance in humanity and only the most stubborn and obscene refuse to do so.

I will miss living here and I have some trepidation about how homogenized my new home currently is. Maybe that is why the Universe has opened up this door for me. Not only for my happiness on a personal level but as a way to help bring love, acceptance, and tolerance to a place that needs a bit more of that right now.

I’ll have to ponder that some more. In the meantime, be well my friends.