Revelations

Last night I experienced two revelations.

I was talking with Tennessee about my struggles writing my subplot. I haven’t been able to start an outline and I just keep putting it off even trying and finding other things to work on like learning the apps for creating a newsletter.

I finally realized that I’m not likely to get anywhere so long as I keep avoiding doing my therapy homework. It was just taking up too much space in my head.  I took today off work with the plan of writing, so I knew that if I was going to get any writing done, even this blog, I needed to do my homework first.

It took literal hours before I picked up my journal to start writing. Eventually I realized maybe I didn’t need to actually write it down. Maybe that piece of fiction didn’t need to be put down in writing at all. So I crawled back into bed and did what I used to as a kid…act out the scenario in my head and have the conversation out loud. (This used to drive my mom crazy. She would open my door and ask, “Who are you talking to?”)

It worked, though it still took a really long time to get through it. And I’m glad only the dogs were here to hear me else I might not have done it. It feels weird, but I feel relieved.

I know that I will never know how he would have really reacted to my coming out to him, but just imagining a possible world where it could have happened in a loving and supportive way where he would not only be happy for me but would encourage a “traditional” wedding this time, when the time was right of course, so that he could walk me down the aisle.

There were tears of loss and grief and sadness all over again, but it was different this time. There was no anger and I feel like that particular wound might actually heal someday.

Speaking of tears, there was also some tearing up last night, this time with happiness. Tennessee asked me how I’d feel if next weekend we had a live in person date. Took me a few moments but then I said, “You’re coming for my birthday party!” I’m pretty sure I bounced in my chair and clapped and squealed in total delight.

I had resigned myself to having to wait until June to see her again so I am very excited she will be here on Saturday, just in time for the birthday party my friends are throwing me. She has been in cahoots with several of my friends trying to plan the surprise. I will be giving them some grief for keeping secrets from me, but only in a loving, grateful, and teasing way.

I would have been so thrilled to see her walk in the front door with the friend who picked her up at the airport, but I’m glad she decided to tell me. Not for my sake but for my mom’s, which is exactly the reason she decided to tell me. Ultimately she worried that my mother would be upset about not having had time to get the house clean enough for company.

For the record, the only space in our house that is not always ready for company is my room. However, that is not what my mother thinks, and she would not have been happy, so I’m glad I know in time to give her a head’s up.

Also I get to bask in the anticipation of seeing Tennessee get off the escalator at DIA. I can’t wait!