Author: Angel Beldam

I woke up this morning in my 5th bed in five weeks. I am dog/apartment-sitting for friends who are at their own convention this weekend. They left early yesterday morning so I found myself in morning rush hour traffic on my way here and didn’t wake up early enough to write before work.

I debated with myself all day about whether or not to write a blog entry but ultimately I just didn’t want to. The pup I’m watching is a sweet old girl who is pretty low-key, but she wanted nothing to do with me all day and I spent all my non-work time trying to coax her into letting me take her out.

Okay not all of it, there might have been an audiobook and some candy crush happening too. Oh and an afternoon therapy session which left me a bit drained. That might have contributed to my not wanting to blog. The session was right after I signed off my work computer and it wasn’t a particularly hard session, but I almost always need to decompress and process afterward. Yesterday was no exception.

I often wonder how long I will have to stay in therapy. Will I ever be okay enough to not have to go? Maybe someday, but right now, in the middle of massive changes in my life, is not the time to consider stopping. Besides, how will my therapist send her kids to college?

I only have two more Thursdays in Colorado after today. When I left Tennessee last month I thought it would take forever to get here but time has flown by. Mentally I’m ready to be there already, but as I actually only have one box packed, it’s a good thing I still have two weeks left.

Time to start my workday and stop this ramble fest. Have a great day my friends.

I used to feel very patriotic on this day, but I’m not feeling so proud to be an American right now. With all these attacks on our freedoms of bodily autonomy, of loving who and how we choose, it’s hard to feel like this is such a great country.

Right now I can hear the fighter jets roaring out my window and it reminds me of my days on active duty when I was proud to be wearing my uniform and supporting the missions those planes are now practicing for. I was so deep inside my cishet white closet and so naive about the massive cracks in our foundation.

Even now though I don’t regret my time served. I made some lifelong friends, got my degree, bought a house, and have my career all thanks to my time in uniform. I am still making new friends because we easily connect and bond through our shared status as veterans.

I am no longer that person who blindly believes that America is the greatest country. I know I live on stolen land and that I’ve benefitted from passing as white all my life.

Despite all that, I also know how powerful my passport is—the privileges it gets me and the opportunities I have. With that comes the responsibility to keep trying to make a difference, to keep trying to make this country better than it is. Even if I can only do it one person at a time. I have to keep trying.

So instead of wishing you a happy 4th of July, I’m going to wish you a safe and healthy 4th filled with love and moments of quiet introspection.

Be well, my friends.

I just didn’t have anything left yesterday, not even for a Sunday Stuff blog. I was so tired. So here now is the recap for the last two days of my conference.

The final full day started off with the dynamic Lynn Ames, a talented sapphic author, presenting the keynote address. Her history as folded into our history was fascinating. Her call to arms, so to speak, was inspiring and has me thinking about what more I can do to fight the good fight, especially as how we have lost so much of the ground that was previously and preciously gained.

I found myself tearing up on more than one occasion during her speech and I was not alone. That has been a common feeling during this convention-–not feeling alone. I felt so welcomed and seen this whole time. I was pulled into conversations even when I was very okay being by myself. So many women wanted to make sure no one was left isolated.

I’ve made some contacts, but even better I’ve made some new friends. And I’ve solidified some of the fledgling friendships I had started with my writing group. It’s been so great to get to know them better. I am looking forward to getting to know them all better.

At the end of the day was the awards ceremony. It was a true celebration and recognition of all the hard effort that goes into writing a novel and other creative written works. The awards are called “Goldies” and one of the books I voted for, “Broken Beyond Repair” by Emily Banting won the fan-favorite category.

Even better, one of the authors I write with on Sunday afternoons, Catherine Young, won the Goldie for her debut novel, “Love and Duty”.

That was so exciting and I’m so happy for her! One of my table mates at the ceremony said to me “That could be you next year.” What a thrill that gave me, at least for a moment. Then my inner critic who loves to fuel my imposter syndrome thoughts started whispering nasty things…he is such an asshole. I shut that down immediately, mostly.

I have some work ahead of me though. Fortunately, I feel re-motivated to get back to it. I only have 19 more days until the move, and it’ll take a couple of weeks to settle in, especially as my BFF will be visiting, but in six weeks I am knuckling down and giving myself until the Pink and Brandy concert at the end of September to get my subplot outlined, written, and integrated into my manuscript. (Any of my readers who want to encourage and hold me accountable are welcome to drop me a line any time.)

Our closing speaker Sunday morning was Leslie Herod, Colorado State Representative from the city of Denver. She is the first openly queer African American woman to be elected to our legislature. She said that what we do as sapphic authors in telling queer stories is more important than ever. I want to be one of the storytellers who tell a story someone else wants or needs to read.

Thank you all for letting me share my experiences and tell my story.

Another great day of both fan and writer content. I learned about ways to improve my craft, how the monolith of Amazon works for books, and how to be creatively resilient. Oh, and Katherine V. Forrest wrote a scifi trilogy! (I immediately bought it in the vendor room after the session.)

I also learned that the Supreme Court decided that religious bigots can now freely discriminate against the LGBTQIA+ community and that affirmative action is no longer allowed, at least at universities. Obviously, that is a vastly oversimplified description of what the rulings represent, and I have not had a chance to fully research the implications, but I’m pissed regardless.

And scared, if I’m honest, which in turn pisses me off even more because I’m so tired of being fearful.

I am finally in the most joyful phase of my life that I have ever experienced. I am living and loving authentically and fully honing my craft and building community. I’m finally really happy, and the world around me is going to shit. So I’m angry that I don’t get to live blissfully in my bubble.

Based on what I heard from my table mates at lunchtime when the ruling was announced by the GCLS President, I am not alone, not that I thought I would be. I hate feeling so powerless so voiceless. I’m exhausted to be honest, and have tremendous respect for those who have been fighting this fight for so long and still have the energy to continue. I don’t know how they do it.

I have no poem for today and not just because i’ve written about my conference. I just don’t feel connected to that part of my soul where poetry lives right now. I hope I can reconnect soon.

Take care of yourselves, my friends.

My first session of the day was the one I’d been most looking forward to as a reader. It was titled “Who Done it Better?” It was better than I expected and now I have new books to add to my TBR and new authors to follow.

As suspected, I was enthralled with listening to Katherine V Forest talk about her Kate Delafield books. Also, I thought there might be a bit more rivalry, but there wasn’t any of that. Either they were being very careful not to offend, or they genuinely felt that one is not better than the other. I admit that I thought the procedural writers would be a bit snobby because the readers definitely are, but that did not happen.

I’m really glad about that as I like both types. It just depends on my mood. Cozy mysteries are fun and easy, but I still get to solve the puzzle. I really enjoy cozies, but sometimes, I just need a gritty procedural to sink my teeth into.

It’s got me thinking about possibly starting or trying to write a mystery. It seems really hard, and because I know next to nothing about procedures, it would have to be a cozy. It might be fun to try.

The rest of the sessions were all about finding resources to get published, so I took off my fan hat and played writer for the rest of the day. I learned a lot of really good information and took good notes. The biggest takeaway was to find my tribe and nurture those relationships with other writers.

I started doing that at lunch time when a group of writers took pity on me sitting by myself and invited me to join them. I was actually just waiting for a few of my sprint writer buddies to join me, but the table was big enough for all of us and we had some good conversations.

Later at dinner, some of those same women invited me to join them, and the conversations got quite lively as the alcohol was consumed. I’ve acquired some interesting insights into the very small world of sapphic books and even got a business card or two.

I was in bed much earlier last night than the night before, but as this is my fourth bed in four weeks, I did not sleep well. The crazy weather we’ve been having has also given me a headache, so today’s sessions may be a bit of a challenge. Wish me luck.

Yesterday was a bit chaotic, but I managed to check into the conference just in time to hear my fellow Sunday sprint writer read a selection from her book. Then I checked into the hotel and stayed long enough to unpack my clothes and chill on the chaise.

Then I went back to my friends’ house to feed the dogs and leave my car. My friend who drives for Uber brought me back to the hotel, where I then met up with the previously mentioned sprint writer for dinner. She was with a couple of writers from across the pond, one from the Uk and one from Ireland.

We chatted all throughout dinner, and then a couple of other sprint writers from my group showed up as the UK contingent was leaving. From that point on, I chatted with a handful of newly met writers as they came and went until eleven o’clock when I headed back to my room.

There is a twist in the plot, so to speak, as it turns out, my friends that I’ve been dog sitting for have been stranded in Houston and probably will not be home today. So first thing this morning. I called a Lyft and headed back to go feed the girls and love on them for a bit.

They were very happy to see me but happier with breakfast. So not the worse for a night alone. I decided it was easier to take my car as the cost of ubering back and forth is the same price as parking at the hotel and this way I can come and go as I please.

My first session is at nine this morning and the last end at six tonight. I’m super excited by all the upcoming content. And hopefully I’ll get to meet a whole bunch of new writers.

I’ll head back to the pups with my cpap, a change of clothes and dinner, and stay the night before heading back to the hotel for tomorrow’s sessions in the morning.

Stay tuned.

I feel as though I need to apologize for not posting yesterday, but once again I am reminding myself perfection is not required.

The night before last I stayed up way too late watching the last few episodes of a series I’d been watching. There was no reason I had to finish the series that night. It wasn’t as if they were removing it from the platform and I wouldn’t have access to it, but my brain said, “it’s only a few more episodes, it won’t be that late.”

It’s not as if there was anything particularly special about the show… just another BBC crime drama, though one with some humor and an ironic twist. (Britbox–Shakespeare and Hathaway)

The point is that I do this all the time, with shows and books both. It’s a compulsion to finish that disregards my need for sleep. I can’t seem to help myself, which is irony of its own because, with so many other things in my life, I struggle to finish projects I’ve started.

Why can’t I stop myself with some things but struggle to not stop with others? You’d think after 55 years I’d have a handle on this, but the truth is I’ve never done any work around this issue. Maybe I’ll ask my therapist about it someday.

In the meantime, I just keep waking up late and end up sacrificing something–sleep, blog, etc. to make sure I start work on time, so I don’t have to take leave because my leave is precious, and the balance is already way too low.

This is the reason I am working a half day today instead of enjoying a full day to prepare for the start of my convention.

Not that I have to do much: drive home, drop off stuff, pack, drive to hotel, valet park ($50), lug my luggage while I register for the conference, attend a session that a new writer friend is on a panel for, check into my hotel room, drop off my luggage, go feed the dogs and love on them one last time, leave my car and catch a ride back to the hotel with my wonderful friend who happens to work for Uber, attend the welcome social gathering, then fall face first into bed exhausted.

Should be fun.

There are 610 hours left give or take from the time I’m typing this until I pick up my fiancé from the airport and bring her to my home for my last night sleeping in my bed.

That also means there are only three more weekends left before I leave. That seems like no time at all. I have so many things to do and I wonder if I’ll be able to get it all done.

I’m paying attention to what I’m feeling as I write this to see if my heart and mind and body are in the same place. Knowing that there is still so much left to do, I should feel really anxious, but I don’t. There is only anticipation.

That could just be because in two days I check into both my hotel and the convention, and I know that I’m about to meet some of my favorite writers. Five whole days brushing up (figuratively if not literally or is that literary?) against women who have obtained what I aspire to achieve.

I don’t think that’s the only reason though. I’ve moved past the grief, I think, though I know that grief can be cyclical and might come back. The time I’ve spent or will spend on my ‘farewell tour’ with my friends has given me some of the closure I’ve needed and has reassured me that they will miss me but are very happy for me. Apparently, I needed to know that they would miss me so that bit of anxiety is resolved.

There’s the massive number of things that still need doing, but I’ve got my lists and timelines/deadlines written down or plugged into my calendar. And the number of things being added is less than the number of things being crossed off, so the list is getting smaller…a complete rarity in my experience, so that has relieved some of that anxiety also.

Even the disagreement we had during date night last night only confirmed that I’m making the right decision. I may be nuts, but I can’t wait to have more discussions like that with her, even knowing we will disagree.

So no more anxiety or grief, at least for now…only excitement and anticipation. Not a bad way to start a Monday. 

Have a great day my friends.

Quote

“Life is like a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”

– Albert Einstein

Book

A well-written and compelling memoir. I learned a lot and was fascinated by how many of the same stories are in both the Quran and the Bible.

Pride

My solo public pride event was great music with great friends at Women Who Rock the Rockies at Number 38 starring my favorite local band Dear Marsha. I also and never heard Peaches before and absolutely loved her. I’m bummed that I will not get to see her perform again for possibly a long time.

I hope all those at today’s Pride Parade stay safe and hydrated and have a great time!

Song

My fiancé sent this to me this week. I’d never heard it before, but it was beautiful!

Upcoming Event

https://www.goldencrownliterarysociety.org/2023-annual-conference

This week holds a brand new adventure in the form of my first ever GCLS conference. From the site: “The GCLS’s annual conference is the premier literary event for both authors and readers. The event brings together readers, fans, writers, editors and publishers to celebrate women-loving-women and sapphic literature.”

I can’t wait! I will so be fangirling. I will share my experiences when I can.

Have a great week my friends.

Why Must I Be Nice?

We’re at the store

and your cishet white maleness is being a bore

wanting in front of me because I have so much more

in my cart

but don’t start

I don’t have to be nice,

I’ll just ignore or decline and keep buying my rice.

Now if you’re a mom, heavy with child,

hands full of diapers and a toddler screaming wild

then by all means go before me, I can be kind

because I do get it, and I really don’t mind.

Why do the one but not do the other?

It’s my right, living my life without bother

and he already gets more than he’s entitled.

I’ve been where she’s at, always wearing that bridle.

So she deserves my kindness,

He can wait behind us.

I don’t owe anyone nice.

–Angel Beldam