Author: Angel Beldam

It rains so much here, and the ground is completely saturated. Fortunately, the storms don’t last long and it’s cool how the birds start singing again when the storm is finally over. The tail end of the storm last night had thunder rolling across the sky like it was moving slowly from peak to peak over the valley. Wave after wave for nearly ten solid minutes.

My future sister-in-law said they had tornado sirens going off up where they were, but nothing came of it. Down here it wasn’t that bad.

I spent most of the storm reading. I finished the second book of the trilogy and moved on to the third while listening to the rainfall. I love reading during a rainstorm. It is almost magical…being transported to another world. And because we had nothing else scheduled for the day I was able to finish my space saga. Not going to lie though, it ended with the possibility of another book and I’m disappointed there isn’t another one.

This morning is heavy with humidity and more potential rain and while I’m writing these words the middle school kids are gathering outside for their bus and disrupting the quiet. They’ll be gone shortly but it’s kind of annoying. Part of me wants to go out and say get off my lawn. When did I get to be so crotchety?

I should be chill since I’m so well-rested right? Maybe it’s just Monday and I’m still working on that first cup of coffee. The outside world has intruded on my little break from it and so now it’s time to face it. I’m not sure I’m ready but I am sure it does not care.

Wow, that’s really bleak and I am really not feeling that dark. I’m mostly just wishing I didn’t have to work. I usually really like my job, but right now, with the uncertainties, I’m discouraged and that is not conducive to a pleasant start to the workday.

It doesn’t help that I read an article over the weekend about how Congress looks to be heading toward another showdown with the White House about passing next year’s budget which means now I not only have to worry about moving back to Denver I also have to worry about not having a job at all–even if it is only a temporary furlough. I wish those “people” cared about how stressful the threat of a government shutdown is for us.

I guess I really am a little dark this morning. I hope the sun shines some today. I need a little light.

Here’s hoping your day is not too dark today my friends.

The house is so quiet. The guest dogs are home as is my BFF, not to imply that my Bestie was the one making the noise.

That drive to Nashville is normally really pretty but yesterday was scary. The thunderstorm we drove through had us crawling at times because I couldn’t see the road and the wind had me white-knuckling the steering wheel. By the time we got there though the storm was over and my Bestie had beautiful blue skies for take-off.

Tennessee drove us home because the muscles in my neck and shoulders were so tense it gave me a headache and my hands still hurt this morning from gripping the wheel.  We stopped for dinner at “our” Cracker Barrel and when we got home, we binge-watched the rest of “Deadloch”.

“Deadloch” is an Australian murder mystery with many queer characters and wickedly dark humor and a twist of ridiculousness. I mean that in the irreverent sense, not in a slapstick way. I highly recommend it, but you may need close captioning. Those Tasmanian accents and slang can be hard to decipher.

Today will be a much-deserved day of rest. My goal is for this blog to be the hardest activity of the day. Our to-do list is long but we’re both exhausted and we need to rest.

I admit to conflicting senses of urgency in my attitude toward that to-do list. On the one hand, there is so much to do, and I want it all done now. However, because of the uncertainty of how permanent this move gets to be, I am also not motivated to get everything settled. What if I end up having to undo everything? Why bother to do it all? I know myself though, I’ll have to live as though it’s going to work out, so I’ll have to start on those tasks.

Before she left, my Bestie helped me check off many items, but the one I’m most grateful for was helping me set up my altar. I’m not as active in my practice as I once was but not having it up was causing me some anxiety. Now I feel more settled, despite all the other stuff.

Today though I’m going to revel in the lovely laziness of a beautiful sunny Sunday.

Before I sign off I want to pass along a few other Sunday Stuff items besides the “Deadloch” recommendation.

Book

I’m reading book two of “The Deep Space Cargoist” trilogy by JS Carter Gilson called “The Languid Belly of the Beast.” Book one is called “The Loneliness of the Deep Space Cargoist.”

Inez, said Cargoist, is a queer human and based on what I’ve read so far is a pan-sexual in the truest sense of that word…in a Captain Jack Harkness sort of way, only her bravado is less confident. I am thoroughly enjoying it and can’t wait to finish the series.

(If you don’t know who Captain Jack Harkness is, I am so sorry. You are missing out!)

Song

“Blueneck” by Chris Housman.

A wonderful contrast to that other song by Jack Ass, this lonely country song is queer and inclusive. It’s got a catchy tune and he has a nice voice. Y’all know I’m not a rabid fan of country music or male country artists at all, but I really like this song and I hope it becomes a bigger hit than that other one.

Other Things

In the wake of the Battle of Montgomery, I am in search of a folding chair pin I can put with my pride pins on my bag. If you see one, please send me a link.

Ok, that is enough work for the day. Time to crawl back into bed for some snuggling.

Be well, my friends.

I don’t have a blog in me today friends. I hope y’all have a great weekend.

What do you do when you have conflicting self-care needs? You want to spend as much time as possible with your BFF because she’ll be gone soon, and it’ll be months before you get to see her again, but you also need some alone time to recharge your introvert batteries.

Or you want spicy time with your significant other, but you haven’t gotten more than five or six hours of sleep in days and you have to get up early in order to start work on time in order to end work on time in order to make it to an important appointment without taking more leave than you absolutely have to because your leave balance is low.

I’m pretty sure those are two of the longest sentences I’ve written in a long time.

Also, I recognize that I am blessed to have these be the sorts of issues I’m struggling with in my daily life.

I am working on trying to find my balance, but when you throw in happenings like dogs who decide to roll in another animal’s poo when you’re just about to unload a large cabinet out of the back of your SUV, or a cat who has decided he is tired of his canine roommates and it’s time to terrorize them, it makes for an interesting day, to say the least.

Bestie and I finally managed to get to the ceramic painting place and had a great time. I can’t wait to see the final results. If my pasta bowl turns out well I’ll go back and make a full set so we can serve our guests the only meal I know how to do well.

I did order a multi-cooker recipe book so I can try my hand at that. Tennessee assured me yesterday that it’s not my job to cook for her and I know this to be true, but I kind of want to; there’s a part of me that would love to be the domestic goddess type. I rebelled against that when I was younger, so I don’t really have the skills, but I do make good pasta dishes. Time to branch out…maybe find some rice dishes?

I fear I am rambling now so I’ll end this by saying I love this new phase of my life and I can’t wait to find my rhythm.

Be well, my friends.

Do you ever have so much to do or say that you don’t know how to get started? This morning was like that for me. I think I’m still processing some of what’s going through my head, so I’ll just start with the easy stuff.

I had an amazing massage, and I am so glad I found my new therapist and that she was taking on new clients. She is 69, has blue hair, and goes hand-gliding on the weekends. She worked out many of the knots that have taken up residence in my body. She’s a bit more expensive than the one back in Denver but totally worth it.

I also got a great deal on a cabinet at my local thrift store. They had just put it on the floor and were having a half-off sale, so I got it for $35. It’s not a bookcase but a cabinet with doors and drawers. I hope the three of us can get it out of my car. It took two grown men to get it in and it barely, and I do mean barely, fit.

Thrifting wasn’t the original plan for the day. We were headed to the ceramic painting place that has posted hours of 10-6 every day. There was a neon sign that said ‘open’ when we got there but it was locked up and dark. No doubt the locals all knew why it was closed but I am not a member of that club yet.

Which brings me to what has me most upset right now. I’m not sure if I’m going to get a chance to try to get into the locals club.

Turns out there’s been a change in policy regarding remote work right in the middle of my request to make this move permanent. The policy is for new remote requests-as in they aren’t allowing any to be approved at the agency level anymore. Mine is not a new request. It’s a change to the location of the already approved remote work, but that apparently doesn’t matter. HR and my management say every request is on hold until guidance is received from the department.

WTF? Why wasn’t guidance provided when the policy change happened? I know bureaucracies always work that way. I know this. It’s not a surprise, but I am pissed off anyway.

My biggest concern is my medical–my pills especially. My healthcare network does not have providers in Tennessee, so I was going to have timing issues changing insurance companies anyway even with a smooth transition.

Now I’ll have to take a full day of sick leave to drive to Atlanta to get seen for anything or to pick up pills at the pharmacy. They won’t mail them to me here without lots of hoops. I anticipated some delay and managed to get a six-month supply before I left but I’m worried that won’t be enough. Nobody wants me around without my meds.  Trust me on this.

Anyway, it has me worried enough that I’m working on backup plans…starting with applying for another job. I never would have even looked or considered jumping ship before.  Now I’m actively looking.

I figured I’d probably have to adjust how early I retire, so I’m not averse to having to work several more years if I find another job for another agency. When I looked online I found a pretty fabulous opportunity that would allow me to work from here and get a promotion. I know I’m more than qualified for the position and my veteran’s preference gives me a leg up. If they already have someone in mind none of that matters but I like my chances.

If my agency does right by me and I get selected for the new position I’ll have a difficult decision to make. That’s the kind of problem I’d rather have. I don’t want to have to figure out how we’re going to manage if I have to move back to Colorado.

Here’s hoping chips fall my way. Wish me luck.

We had a very stormy Monday. The first day back to school for the local kids was cut short due to a tornado watch. We lost power a little after noon and it rained hard for hours. The wind knocked down our American flag, which we probably should have brought in, but I’m not used to having one, so I forgot all about it.

No other damage happened here though, thank goodness. There were, however, wide-spread power outages across the region and an unconfirmed tornado not nearly far enough away from here. You would think living on the edge of the plains in Colorado where we frequently got tornado watches and warnings, would have prepared me for tornados here, but I have to say the storms have a different kind of fierceness here.

I hadn’t slept well the night before so by the end of the day I was cranky and needed to crawl into bed early. I didn’t actually get to sleep any earlier than usual, but I slept much better last night and feel ready to face the day.

Before I sign off this short note I have to say something about office cats. I thought having an office cat was going to be so great, and for the most part, it is. I am already deeply attached to this little fur ball.

However, he makes it practically impossible to write when he hops up on my desk and demands attention. It has taken twice as long to write this as it needed to thanks to Silas. Fortunately, he finally decided to go torture the dogs by claiming their dog bed instead.

We are still watching the two dogs of Tennessee’s friend for another day or two. They are mostly well behaved and are really very sweet, but they have and take so much energy. They are exhausting and I can’t wait for them to go home.

The biggest dog, a 60 lb. golden retriever, joined me in my office chair yesterday. He literally climbed over the arm and squeezed in behind me, almost pushing me onto the floor during the worst of the storm. It was pretty funny though I felt sorry for the poor guy. The meds took awhile to kick in before he finally calmed down.

Today is due to be a much quieter day, with no storms and a massage at the end of my work day. Be well, my friends.

We had a busy weekend. Starting with the yard sale on Friday afternoon. It was raining so we didn’t browse but went looking for specific things, like bookcases and pretty baskets for storage. We didn’t find anything but honestly, we didn’t look that hard. The stuff we saw was either junk or very overpriced. We didn’t go back.

On Saturday, we went to Chattanooga for lunch at Red Lobster to celebrate my BFF’s birthday. Turns out both she and my fiancé love crab legs—gross. I had hoped that they would bond, but I didn’t think it would be over crab legs.

They have a lot of things in common and they ganged up on me more than once, though I’m not really complaining. It was nice to share the scenic drive to and from Chattanooga listening to the two of them chatting and hearing my bestie appreciate the gorgeous views along the way.

The rest of the weekend was filled with board games, furniture assembly, food prep, unpacking, and chores. And laughter, lots of laughter.

The only sour note to the whole weekend was the 4 am wake-up on Sunday morning to watch the US women get eliminated from the World Cup. It was a really good game but a disappointing result.

It feels good to write this morning. I miss writing this blog when I don’t get to, but spending time with my bestie is my priority. We only get to see each other once a year or twice if we’re lucky. She’ll be here until Saturday so again I may or may not have consistent blogs this week, but starting next week, I’ll be back on track.

Thank you all for sticking with me and I hope you have a great week.

Hello, my friends. Sorry for falling off the radar. My BFF is here. That, coupled with really long days trying to get settled in, has left little time for writing.

I have apparently way overdone it recently, to the point of having to take sick leave yesterday. I spent a great deal of the day in bed because my body flat-out refused to do anything else. I hadn’t had a day of doing nothing since long before I left Colorado.

If you don’t rest, eventually your body will make you rest. The ultimate FAFO.

This morning I’m feeling much better and fairly well-rested, which is good because, after a half day of work, we have plans to visit the 127 Yard Sale. For those who don’t know what that is, it is the world’s longest yard sale, 690 miles stretching from Michigan to Alabama, and it goes through our downtown. Hundreds of vendors are set up and I’ve got a wish list that is pretty big.  

My BFF and I are the only ones going though; the fiancé is “been there, done that, no thanks.” Apparently, many locals absolutely hate it, but I love yard sales, so I am excited.

The BFF and fiancé are getting along and I’m relieved. I can’t stand my BFF’s husband and I know that’s hard on her. I wish I liked him, but 20 years of despising someone is hard to overcome overnight. I know it would make her happier if I got along with him.

My issue is how he treats her, which has supposedly improved over the years. I start to believe her when she says he’s better, then she shares some current assholery and I go right back to despising him.

I’ll be honest I worried that karma might bite me in the butt, but I’ve been lucky. Two of the three most important women in my life are getting along nicely.

As for the third most important woman in my life, my mom, she seems to be doing okay without me. We talk or text almost every day. She’s had a hiccup or two but nothing major and I am really glad. Of course, she is a member of the silent generation so she might not tell me if she’s struggling, but I’d like to think we’ve grown past that.

Anyway, all is well on the relationships front, so now all that’s needed is for the work Issue to fix itself and life will be right as rain. Of course, rain can destroy just as easily as it is life-giving so that is not saying much.

That’s pretty dark–not sure why I’m having trouble not seeing the dark right now. Maybe it’s the cloudy rainy start to this day. Hopefully, it will clear up–literally and figuratively.

Monday mornings are not my favorite. This particular Monday finds me worn out and a bit anxious. My BFF arrives tomorrow, and I didn’t get as much accomplished as I would have liked.

Despite how much I tease her she really isn’t high maintenance. A clean, comfortable place to sleep and chai tea for breakfast and she’ll be ok. Add in a place to play cribbage and a dog or two to love on, she’ll be good to go.

We have made significant progress but adding two dogs to the two we already have has been a challenge. We had a couple of social events that took us away from the house which made it even harder.

It’s all in my head though. There is no timeline being imposed on me by anyone other than me. Why do I put so much pressure on myself? That answer requires way more time and effort than I have to give I am afraid.

Anyway, one of the social events I mentioned above was for a birthday party for one of Tennessee’s nephews. She assured me it would only be the kids and that her brother would not be there. This was not the case, so I got to meet my future brother-in-law. It was awkward. As were several of the other introductions. However, the nephew, his siblings, and their mom (the ex-sister-in-law) were all very nice and welcoming to me.

The party was at a local brewery and the buffalo chicken nachos were very yummy. I was driving so I didn’t have a beer, but we’ll definitely go back. I’ll try one next time.

The best part of that trip into town though was the stop at Udder Yum on the way home. Their chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream was divine and was the perfect cool-down for such a hot day, I’m definitely looking forward to supporting that particular local business.

Time to start my week. Be well, my friends.

Quote

“From the Buddhist perspective, it is impossible to build personal happiness on the sufferings of others.” – Daisaku Ikeda

Book

“Crying in H Mart” by Michelle Zauner

A memoir I probably never would have read if it weren’t this month’s selection for book club, but I’m glad I did. It’s not an easy read in places, not because it is poorly written (it’s not) but because her grief and guilt are so precisely portrayed.

I wish I had listened to it instead of reading it though. The names of the Korean dishes and ingredients are so integral to the story, and I would love to know how to pronounce them.

Song

“Nothing Compares 2 U” by Sinead O’Connor as sung in tribute by Pink and Brandi Carlile.

World Cup

I wish I could say I have been avidly watching and keeping track of all the games, but the truth is I’ve only watched the two US matches. I’ve just been too busy trying to unpack and settle in to watch any other games. Hopefully, I’ll get to continue watching the US team, if not the other matches, all the way to the championship game.

Something I’m Thinking About

 I’ve officially been in the Bible Belt for only a week now and I’ve already been a part of two conversations about which churches are the most inclusive. The pressure to conform and fit in is no joke and it doesn’t help that I can’t seem to find any of my people out here. I’ve had my old group send requests through their channels and I’ve reached out here, but I can’t get anyone to return my messages. I know everything works slower down here but I really wish this was an exception.

I’m feeling in strong need of my community. I cannot go back to church. I still have way too much trauma to work through.

Tarot Reading

What does this week hold for me?

Past – Six of Wands Upright – What we’ve been working toward together has come to a successful conclusion. The future between us seems bright and can bring us much joy.

Present – Six of Pentacles Reversed – This card is reminding me to make sure I give to myself…a little self-care goes a long way. However, it is also necessary to be mindful of taking on new debt.

Future – Nine of Cups Reversed – Now is the time to reconnect with your goals and dreams and recommit to bringing them to fruition.

Sometimes this stuff is just so spot on it’s creepy.

My Wish

My hope is that all of us find our community, one filled with love, respect, and friendship.  

Be well, my friends.