“I also want feminism to be led by the nonwhite and the queer, who don’t have the luxury of fighting only misogyny. We must fight the multiple systems of oppressions that patriarchy often intertwines itself with: racism, bigotry, homophobia, transphobia, classism, ableism, and ageism.” – Mona Eltahawy in “The Seven Necessary Sins for Women and Girls”
Warning Profanity and Talk of Violence Coming
On this MLK Jr. weekend that coincides with the inauguration of a misogynistic felonious rapist and racist who is the poster boy for all the things wrong with the patriarchy, I thought reading and discussing a book written as a big fuck you to said patriarchy was apropos.
My friends in the book club agreed. I recommended it and we chose this book because we knew we’d be discussing it the day before the inauguration.
It was an intense read. One which I started on Libby and decided to buy so I could underline stuff. The author wrote this during his first term (before Covid) and it is just as relevant, if not more so, today.
The seven necessary sins Mona Eltahawy says are necessary to defy, disobey, and disrupt the patriarchy are only sins because the patriarchy says we as women are not supposed to be or do or want these things. They are: anger, attention, profanity, ambition, power, violence, and lust.
There is a chapter dedicated to each of the sins. Each of them resonated with me in different ways but the one on violence really got me thinking. My wife accuses me of hating men, and I try to tell her that it’s not true, but it is hard not to hate them sometimes.
In the book, Eltahawy talks about attending a conference to discuss ways to end patriarchal and sexual violence against women and children. She says on page 137, “I wanted to kill men. Two intense days of survivor stories left me wondering. “How can I not hate men?!” It is a challenge—genuinely—and one I often surrender to. It is difficult for me not to hate men.”
And I felt this viscerally.
Tennessee is firmly in the ‘not all men’ category, and I’ve asked her more than once, if not all men, then how do I tell which men? When I’m in public or around men I have never met before, how do I know which ones are safe?
I don’t like to upset her, so we don’t talk too much about it, but I find myself very angry at men right now. Complicit white women are definitely on my shit list too.
My wife and I are at different places on our journeys toward trying to defy, disobey, or disrupt the patriarchy and its attending oppressions of racism, homophobia, etc., and that’s okay. We have both been so thoroughly indoctrinated and socialized for so long that it feels like an impossible task.
Sometimes this makes me so angry that I want to punch in the head the next guy who mansplains, patronizes, or disbelieves me or any woman.
I was listening in on the appointment my mother recently had with her new cardiologist. It’s probably a good thing it was audio only and that I had my mic muted. The number of times he said something that was patronizing was too numerous to count. My mother of course didn’t hear any of that as it was couched as charm and concern and was packaged as an older white man in a white coat.
It has been so hard not to give in to anger or to not be overwhelmed by the anxiety produced by the constant uncertainty that seems to be my life right now.
Silas in the Sun with Songbirds
A couple of days ago I had just sat down at my desk with my newly brewed cup of coffee, and I looked over to see my cat, Silas, lying in a patch of sunlight grooming himself. As I watched, the birds outside my window started singing and I felt my body inhale deeply then let go.
Don’t get me wrong I am still anxious and angry, but instead of the nine-out-of-ten intensity level I had been dragging around, it dropped to about a two. In that moment I felt joy and peace and gratitude, and I am trying, moment by moment to hold on to that.
I’m not always successful but by reminding myself to be grateful for what I have, I feel lighter and more capable of withstanding whatever life is about to throw at me. And because I’m married to the most amazing woman, I don’t have to do it alone, no matter how awful it might get. And if it’s not awful, I’ll still have her with me as we move into this next chapter of uncertainty.
Because, of course, the future is always uncertain. And I’m being very dramatic so let me move away from that and talk about other things that have happened since I last dropped some words.
More Books
I read two other book club books:
“The Diamond Eye” by Kate Quinn.
It’s based on the true story of a female Soviet sniper during WWI. It was the suggested read from our local librarian and I found it fascinating. I’ve read lots of books about WWI (mostly from the British or American point of view though also a few from the German side) but this was the first from the Russian side. I think we as Americans often forget that we were once allies.
I enjoyed it so much that I convinced another of my book clubs to make it our February read. I can’t wait to hear the thoughts on this book by these vastly different women.
https://www.katequinnauthor.com/books/the-diamond-eye/
“Unbound” by Adrian J. Smith.
The other humans in this book club were not big fans of the book and I understood their reasons, and as a reader, I’m not sure I disagree with their assessment. But I read this as a writer too and knowing the author who wrote it and a little about how her mind works (Adrian is a friend of mine I met through a sapphic writers group online), I enjoyed it. The two female MCs are complex, flawed, and interesting, and despite some weird and gross scenes, I’m looking forward to reading the other three books in the set.
It is one of her earlier works and I’ve read one of her most recent series as well and it’s delightful to see how she’s grown as an author. I admit there’s a little jealousy in my admiration of her.
Tarot – The Nine of Cups
The only other book I’ve read so far this year was my Christmas present, “Kitchen Table Tarot” by Melissa Cynova. It is essentially a Tarot handbook with some history, some tips and a very good explanation of how to get a feel for reading the cards. I’ve used it many times already as I’ve been doing frequent readings for myself.
Above I mentioned the morning when I let go of much of my angst. I was still feeling positive the next day from the ‘Silas in the Sun with Songbirds’ moment so I did a single card reading and asked the Universe, “What should I focus on to keep having moments like that?”
I pulled the Nine of Cups. The first paragraph description for this card in this book reads as follows:
“If the man seated in this card could speak, he would say, “You know, I don’t even have to look over my shoulder to count my blessings. I’m certain of them. I know that even if one cup falls and spills, the other eight will be enough to sustain me, and I will fill the fallen cup back to the brim as soon as I’m able. I am grateful. I am joyful. I am satisfied with life and with my place in it.”
So the Universe has spoken. I will focus on gratitude and joy…or at least I’ll try.
Family
Obviously, I’ve done more than just read four books in the past three weeks. Mom came for a visit and stayed for a week. This was her first visit flying by herself and I’m so proud of her for facing her fears.
As I may have mentioned my mother cannot sit still for long, so she was cooking and baking like crazy. No complaints here. She made beef stew, cabbage burgers, and her famous Christmas cookies (some of which there may or may not be any left to share with those we might have promised to save some for).
My nephew also came for a surprise visit. Well, it was supposed to be a surprise for my mom, but I let it slip. I’m not good at keeping secrets. He was only able to stay for a short visit, but it was great seeing him.
Mom did a pretty good and only dead-named and misgendered him a couple of times. She doesn’t do it intentionally, but it takes practice to train your brain to see him as him in your mind’s eye when your memories see him as her. It’s not easy to get practice when you don’t interact very often, but she does keep trying. I still mess up too especially when my mouth is moving faster than my brain, but I do get to interact with him and a couple of my trans friends online, so I get some practice.
It was great spending time with them both, but Tennessee and I were glad to get the house back to ourselves. We’ve been enjoying our evenings watching “All Creatures Great and Small.” I don’t know why I’m so fascinated by the lives of the Brits during that time from the turn of the century through WWII. I just am. One day maybe I’ll dig a little to discover the reason but not today.
I have more important things to do today. It’s supposed to be a day of service, but I am not leaving the house since it’s absolutely frigid outside. So I will do what I can like review Mona Eltahawy’s book and encourage you to read it. And not watching the news or any channel that might boost ratings. I know that’s not hero-level service, but it’s something.
Today also seems like a good day to drink hot beverages and read. The latest Stephanie Plum book is waiting in my queue.
Stay safe and warm my friends.
Baby Gay When You're Fat and Gray - All Grown Up 