I’m Still Afraid but…

I can’t live like this. Without this blog, I feel lost and voiceless. I have let them steal my voice.

I may have completely destroyed a fragile relationship yesterday because I let all my fear and frustration spill out because he had the temerity to not be sympathetic to my fears. As if he owes me anything.  I’m the one who made him think I was a safe person to discuss our differences in political beliefs safely and calmly.

I tried, I really tried, but after the ridiculous comment he made about how maybe the government should shut down until it figures out how to stop spending money on shrimp on treadmills, I lost my cool and told him it was time for him to go back to his job and that our conversation was over. He immediately said “Well I still want my $75” which infuriated me—as if I’d not pay him for what he was owed because I was unhappy about what he said.

He may never agree to do anything for us ever again unless I apologize, and maybe not even then but I do owe him an apology whether he comes back to work for us or not. My feeling helpless and afraid is not his fault. He has been open to having uncomfortable conversations and actually listening to an opposing view and for an older white man around here that is a pretty remarkable thing.

The fact that he is so susceptible to the bullshit right-wing media spews is just so frustrating.

For the record, the government did spend money for shrimp on treadmills but like all things right-wing it was reported out of context, and it was a total mischaracterization. It was not so much a treadmill as it was a means for scientists to test various substances to determine what is toxic to shrimp in light of how to protect that resource for food and, also by extension, to protect the shrimping industry.  

But of course, ‘Shrimp on Treadmills’ is a much sexier soundbite to pull in those already upset by government waste than “Scientists Study How Shrimp’s Immune Systems React to Ocean Warming and Pollution”.

I sent the apology while I was composing this. I felt it couldn’t wait any longer. We’ll see if I am able to save that relationship. In the meantime, this has made me realize that part of my frustration has been not having a voice.

Even if it’s only six people that ever read this blog—even if this blog outs me as not ‘loyal’ to that man (I am, and will always be, a professional and respectful to the Office no matter what man or woman sits in the chair—a hard lesson I learned during my military days)—I need this blog.

I need it to process my complex and confusing emotions. I need it as an outlet for my fear and frustration but also as a way to share my joy and successes. I need it to show my defiance of the patriarchy, white supremacy, and the erosion of democracy.

Living a good life filled with love and joy is an act of defiance.

Living that life here in small-town Tennessee is an act of defiance.

Sharing about that life openly and publicly is an act of defiance.

I can’t save the world, but I can and will continue to try and make small ripples of change by showing that I am just like them despite the ways I am different.

I hope y’all will come along for what’s sure to be a bumpy ride.