It’s the Guns

This has been a rough week with another school shooting and more BS from the right. How many more children have to die? I get so angry and distraught every time I hear about another mass shooting, ever since Columbine in the state I called home for nearly 50 years.  I can imagine how some people have become desensitized to it, if for no other reason than to protect their psyches. But for me, I feel retraumatized every single time.

And though no one is saying this, it did not escape me that it was a black boy and a brown boy that the white boy killed in this latest shooting. This is just one more reason why my recent connection with the organization Stand Up for Racial Justice (SURJ) feels right.

Not long after Kamala Harris began her run for the White House, there was a slew of Zoom fundraisers to support her: Black Women, Black Men, White Women, White Men, Evangelicals, Republicans, and many more. I joined one such Zoom called White Women Against MAGA sponsored by SURJ. It was a fundraiser for VP Harris, but it was also a call to service as it did not take long for MAGA to make her race an issue.

As I have said before, I have limited options in how I can directly support the Harris/Walz campaign or any of the down ballot candidates like Missy Crutchfield whose main platform includes sensible gun laws. She and several other candidates began their runs for office here in Tennessee after the Covenant School shooting in Nashville last year.

There are far fewer restrictions in directly supporting SURJ and their get-out-the-vote campaign. This September 11^th, I will be commemorating that traumatic day by attending an online training session by SURJ called “I’m in to Defeat MAGA: What’s Next?”

This will be the first of many weekly Wednesday evenings I’ll spend online or on the phone and I’m really looking forward to it, though I admit the phone bank thing causes me some anxiety.

Sadly, this commitment I’m making to SURJ means I’m going to miss the next two months of one of my book clubs and I’m not sure the group will survive my dropping out. That sounds like I’ve got a very high opinion of myself, but as I’m the one with the Zoom account that the group uses and I will be using my account to attend the SURJ meetings, I’m not sure what they will do. To be fair, it has been feeling as though it was on shaky ground anyway.

Hope

My mental health has really taken a hit lately and not just about the school shooting. Discovering the whereabouts of my first me too and having to schedule a doctor’s appointment to deal with my physical health has me reeling too.

And don’t think those two things aren’t related. As my therapist and I have discussed many times, they definitely are related.

The guilt and shame I still struggle with over the choices I’ve made that brought my body to this unhallowed place, and the daunting uphill battle I now face to get back to some semblance of health all feels like too much sometimes.

Despite all of that, I am hopeful.

One morning this week while I was out with the dogs and enjoying my coffee I had the privilege of watching a hummingbird and two golden butterflies flitting around our flowering trees. No, I have no idea what kind they are except that they have pretty pink flowers.

I was also delighted to watch our Jack Russell trying so hard to play with the bigger guest dogs. He was so cute barking around the edge as they wrestled then skittering over to me and sitting between my feet when they got too rough with him.

I love the early mornings in our backyard. The bugs are minimal, the heat and humidity aren’t suffocating yet and the promise of a new day fills me with hope. And now, the days are becoming less oppressive–autumn is creeping in with leaves already starting to fall and the mornings are going to require a jacket soon.

Even with my struggles, worries, and fears, I would change nothing. I love this life Tennessee and I are building.

I wish I was a better version of myself already for her sake, but I’m so grateful she is patient with me while I’m working to be that better version.

Books

Book 66 – “The Invincible Miss Cust” by Penny Haw

It’s a book club book and I loved it! I’m a big fan of historical fiction based on the lives of real women who were extraordinary. This one was about the first female veterinary surgeon in Ireland and England. I can’t wait to discuss it at the library next week.

Take care my friends.