A Little Bit About Why

Some of you may have noticed that I did not post last week at all and that I haven’t been posting regularly. I’ve been debating about how much to share, but I figured only those who are interested are reading this anyway, so here’s a little bit about why that is.

I take medication for anxiety and depression, but last week my anxiety overwhelmed my meds. I wasn’t eating very well, nor was I getting adequate or consistent sleep. I was binge-watching shows and TikTok until 2 or 3 in the morning then trying to work a normal workday. I had crying jags. I was defensive and raw and not very good company.

So it’s fortunate that during weekdays Tennessee and I don’t see much of each other, or she might have throttled me or thrown me out. She was very patient and took care of me when I could not seem to take care of myself.

I have shared some of my concerns about my reduced mobility and this was the major cause of my anxiety. I know how much Tennessee loves Brandi Carlile and how much she was looking forward to this concert weekend. I was so worried that I was going to ruin it for her that I almost ruined it for her.

If I could have hidden my anxiety and my physical limitations from her and faked it, I totally would have. But I’m trying not to do that anymore. I’m trying to always be my authentic self with her.

However, I admit that I hid the severity of my anxiety until I couldn’t hide it anymore. I’m trying not to feel shame around that…shame for feeling weak for having anxiety…shame for letting myself get to such a place physically…shame for feeling like I had to hide that from this amazing woman that I love.

I swore I’d never let shame take hold in my life ever again, but here we are, again.

Fortunately, she has been so supportive, and in the end, I didn’t disappoint her. I didn’t stay home so she could take someone else. I didn’t sell the tickets to someone else because she insisted on not going without me. I did the walking and the standing and the climbing and the descending and the walking. We went slowly and I had to use a cane, but we made it and got to see a spectacular show.

I was exhausted and sore, I still am, to be honest, but what a thrill when Tennessee said she was proud of me and so I felt proud of myself too.

I’m not where I wish I was, but I did something hard, and it was great. I have more hard stuff to do, but it no longer feels quite so daunting.

I’m still trying to process where the shame is coming from and where to put that. Guess it’s a good thing I have a therapy appointment this week. Might could be I need to chat a bit about why I feel the need to hide my struggles from Tennessee too. I don’t ever want her to think I don’t trust her or love her enough to be completely, authentically me. I do love her and trust her, but some walls are harder to bring down.

She deserves happiness and joy, we both do, so I’ll keep doing hard things for as long as it takes.

Take care of yourselves my friends.